Anyone ever notice I’m a list-maker? There are a lot of reasons I love lists, which I plan on sharing with you soon. But today, because I’m turning over a new leaf, I’ll share with you this: the first installment in my new and recurring “Top 10 Lists”.
Are you shocked by the title of this post? I am too. And so is my husband. And yes, that number refers to the time I set my alarm for this morning. Yes, it was on purpose. Yes, it was dark. And yes, I was productive or something in that quiet, coffee-filled hour before the kiddos woke up. Is productive a relative term? You decide, in today’s installment of:
Top 10 things to do at 5:30 am.
1) Clank around the french press/coffee mugs/refrigerator, wake up the dog, and then blindly ignore his pleas to be let outside. Your excuse will later be that it was dark and you didn’t see him there, but as you’re cleaning pee stains off of the chic and over-rated “unfinished” wood floor, some part of you will be making a mental note to be a better pet parent tomorrow.
2) Clank around the laptop/desk drawers/pencil holder, wake up the 4 year old, and then pretend like you don’t know he’s peeing all over the toilet seat in your bathroom. Also pretend like you don’t know he probably did it because he thinks it will be funny for you to sit in it later.
3) Write your kids embarrassing love notes and pack them uber-healthy lunches because you’re a perfect mom like that. Commit to yourself that you will write such notes until the day they move out of the house.
4) Laundry. Psych! Who does that at 5:30 am? Or ever? Not me.
5) Dishes. Ha! Gotcha’ again! Which reminds me – hubby, the sink is filling up and I think there’s mold underneath the platter I served the Super Bowl chicken wings in. It’s starting to smell. Hope you’re having a good day.
6) Unpack the toiletries from that trip you took last summer. Actually, that trip was last weekend, but 2 days can feel like 2 seasons when you’re forced to live without tweezers. Now pluck your uni-brow and apologize to all those people who had to look at your face yesterday.
7) Plan the things you really need to get done today in order to be a productive human being and then sulk over the fact that you know there’s no possible way in hell it’s going to happen. How can you expect yourself to get to a Bar Method class and read a book? Text your friend for support, she’ll offer to come with you, and you’ll feel a whole lot better.
8) Research a lot of important stuff online like breakfast food on Pinterest and top Spring Break destinations. Be sure to wear your reading glasses as you do this so that you appear extra smart and productive to your own reflection. 60% of the time, it works every time.
9) Apply self-tanner and watch the entire 3rd season of Son’s of Anarchy on your laptop. I’m not speaking from experience here, it just sounds like an effective use of time.
10) Soak up the praise with a smile on your face when your husband gives you a kiss and a pat on the back for “waking up like a big girl” and “finally getting something done around here”. Or you, like me, can anticipate that shit coming and cut it off at the pass with a snarky reminder that he can no longer say you never let him sleep in. Pretty sure that will earn you some brownie points, or at least a foot rub. You’re obviously the one doing all the work around here.
And there, my friends, are 10 great reasons that you should join me and be your own brand of productive tomorrow at 5:30 am. You, me, the shroud of darkness, and the interweb. Sounds like a party!