By the looks of things it appears that there are a whole slew of moms who just adore the park. Unfortunately for my kids, I am not one of them. The park makes me nervous and I feel like everyone is either a kidnapper or a pervert (this is a theme for me…). If that weren’t enough of a deterrent, there are also these 10 super anti-awesome park facts that make me wanna’ barf. Join me in my misery, yo!
sandbox litterbox. I’m no dummy, so unless there is a magical Parks and Rec crew that conjure a force-field over the sandbox each night, there’s cat shit in there. It goes something like this: 1) the cat poops in the sand. 2) the kid digs in the sand/poop cocktail. 3) the kid licks her hand or altogether bypasses this step and goes straight to eating the poop. In either case, this is a recipe for worms. I should know, I was a thumb sucker, and nobody likes a 6 year old with itchy butt, am I right?!
2) Tennis courts. Men in tiny shorts. Eeeew.
3) Nature. Don’t get me wrong, flowers are sooooo pretty and I love a good meadow as much as the next mommy. But I’m also crazy amounts of allergic to, um, the entire outdoors. Which is a problem at the park because I also can’t stop myself from rolling down a grassy knoll, especially if some ginger-haired ten year old dares me. If I have to choose between hives and self restraint then bring on the asthma.
4) Lack of parenting. Put down your Starbucks, lady, and rein in that kid of yours before I clothesline him.
5) Monkey bars. I happen to have a friend that’s a doctor and he said that monkey bars and ziplines are the top 2 bone breakers for kids in the ER these days. That and I have no arm strength so I’ve kinda’ resented them all my life. Love a good reason to hate something more, yaaayyyy!
6) Baseball field. Can you say foul ball to the windshield, folks? Or salmonella from the snack shack? Or pitch in the face? Okay, these are all actually reasons that I love the ball field, but I laugh in the face of danger so….
7) Slide. WTF is with those a-hole kids who climb UP it? Do they have parents? Do they understand that a) my kid is about to kick you in the face with his Chucks, and b) half of the salmon population dies swimming upstream? Okay, I made that statistic up, but there’s only room for one rebel at this park, kid, and it’s me, so get the hell out the way.
8) Swingsets. Two things (noticed I love a list within a list today?!) 1) I hate repetitive motion, so no matter how much joy my kids get out of being pushed on the swings it bores a hole into my head. 2) The park patrol is always out of WD40. I see no other explanation for that unbearable metal on metal grinding. Every. Stupid. Time. Anyone interested in joining my new nonprofit, MAFSS (Mothers Against Fucking Squeaky Swings), is welcome to donate a can of
whoopass WD40 to my cause or, better yet, volunteer to hit up a park or two for the love of God. I’ll be the one with the bright ideas and you be the one to execute, ‘kay?
9) Weather. Clouds suck. And because I grew up in the valley I always think it’s going to be 12 degrees hotter here on the coast than it ever is. I’m also missing the logic gene that would make me remember a sweatshirt or anything but a tanktop. Details, details.
10) Drinking fountain. Children are horrible at respecting communal spaces. Why is it the kid with the mouth rash that’s always lipping the entire spigot? Because she knows someday a frat boy will return the favor, that’s why. The swapping of infected bodily fluids is natural and builds the immune system, but my defenses are shaky at best so fucked if I’m taking any chances with the herpe machine.
So now you all know why I’m a horrible mother, yayyyy! Are you a horrible parent too? A horrible human being? A horrible anything? Share with the group so we all feel better about our horrible selves today, kapish?!
Happy Friday, kids!