Helloooo party people! Pardon my week long absence, but I’ve been away on Spring Break doing nothing but research for you lucky hooligans. I know you’re all wild ones in desperate need of my guidance since the very things we love about this random pre-summer week off are the same things that can give us
a wicked hangover the “flu” for days afterward. Heed my advice and you’ll surely strike that magical balance between rest and relaxation. Let’s begin!
1) Pooping. I don’t know about you, but when I’m away from home I just don’t. And when mama’s teeny bikini fails to disguise the bloat then it’s fast track to cranky town which is no fun for anyone. My advice? Bring pooping pills. Or take a lot of shots. I did both and neither worked, but it was sure fun trying!
2) The sun. Because the whole purpose of spring break is to make your friends jealous of your preemptive summer tan, one might be inclined to just forgo the sunscreen and soak up the skin damage. But unless you’re Cherokee like me then you’re bound to end up with heat rash and a wicked forehead burn, like my husband. If you’re any brand of white I recommend slathering on the SPF 60 and handing the coconut oil over to us experts. Your skin cancer will thank you.
3) Alcohol. Do I need to explain this one? Certainly the best part of spring break (aside from family time and sightseeing, duh) is the daytime drinking. And the evening drinking. And the late night drinking while gambling at the kitchen table. And now that I’m three sentences in I can’t remember why the hell I slipped this one into my “cautionary” list because, damn, yo, those Jack and Cokes did the trick! Hmmm. I’ll do some more field research and get back to y’all on this one.
4) Eating out. While I love to cook I have to admit that a break from the breakfast-lunch-dinner loop is welcome, especially on vacation. The problem? See line item #1. Restaurant food slows a girl down, I’m just sayin’.
5) Reading. There’s nothing like polishing off some chick lit poolside or in the bathtub. Vacation is for
blacking checking out from reality for a few minutes, and man does Black Dagger Brotherhood fit that bill. Unfortunately for us all, vacation comes with distraction. Stress factors like going out to breakfast, watching Disney movies and falling asleep in the sun make it really hard to relax with a good book and soak up some learnin’. Do yourself a favor and leave the books at home. But take the cannoli.
6) Shopping. Contrary to popular belief, everything isn’t free when you’re on vacation. I had to learn this lesson the heard way, and although neither my husband nor the AmEx are speaking to me right now I’m willing to be the brave one and take the credit for teaching us all an important lesson.
7) The pool. Oh man I love me some chlorine. Unless, of course, I’ve run out and gotten tattooed two days prior to a week long fun-in-the-sun-fest therein committing myself to wading only waist deep and wrapping my arm in a hankie gangsta’ style 24/7. Please, friend, don’t make the same mistake I did. Use the left side of yer brain and have some logic. If anyone’s got extra I’ll take some over here too.
8) Sleeping. I, like you, love nothing more than sleeping on vacation. I’ll murder a nap every time I’m given the chance. But sadly for me I tend to travel with kids (WTF?!) which means that 6 am is time to rendezvous, bitches. Don’t have kids? Don’t get your hopes up. Me and my clan are probably on the floor above you playing Twister and Dance Dance Revolution at sunrise. Sorry for that.
9) Exercise. Whether you’re traveling solo or alongside a family of hard-bodies like we did, you might feel pressured to hit the fitness center and indulge in some stair master. My advice? Skip the workouts and go for the nachos. Choosing a goal that you know is attainable sets you up for success, and since vacation is all about the feel-good I think we can agree nachos are the answer.
10) Sightseeing. This sounds all fun and games, but if you add up all of the aforementioned Spring Break risk factors then I’m sure you can see how one might put themselves in a precarious physical position while under vacation delirium. My personal experiences this year included but were not limited to kayaking with leopard sharks (WTF?!), ziplining 500 feet above sea level, and driving a golf cart with no seat belts. While the kids found all of these experiences endlessly entertaining, in hindsight I’m wondering what happy gas they pump into the coastal air that allows otherwise levelheaded mothers to…oh wait, see line item #3. Damn.
So there you have it, peeps. 10 good reasons to mail me your tickets to Hawaii and avoid Spring Break altogether. I know, I’m selfless like that.
Since I’ve missed y’all so much how ’bout you pipe up with some travel tips of your own! Hate crying babies in airports? Taxi cabs? Tour guides? Tell me all about it, friend.
Oh, and FYI I’m going to be MIA for the next week and a half yet again while I work on a super top-secret project that I can’t WAIT to tell you all about! I’ll check back with ‘ya on the 15th.
Peace out, I’ll miss you.