Sitting on the toilet this morning I had a thought. It’s one that I’ve had many times before, and daydreamed about simply because it appeals to my nature. All the moms reading this must imagine that my thought was to lock the door and pretend to be peeing for the next hour while I ran a bubble bath and turned on some fantastically rude music to block out the kids’ bickering.
Although I did not choose this path for the morning – though I have wanted to plenty of times before – it did feel as if I sat there, elbows on my knees, for an eternity. In those few still seconds so much whooshed through my mind that by the time I snapped out of it and flushed that feeling of excitement and promise had already lodged itself into my gut.
Have you ever wondered what hundred different paths your life could have taken? I don’t mean the “what if I had turned the corner that day”, or “what if I hadn’t dumped that guy, would I be living in a trailer?” type wonderings. I’m talking more about the “could I have made it as a journalist, a singer, an interior designer, a poet?” daydreams. The path that my life has taken is yummy perfection, more extraordinary than I ever could have imagined for myself in this lifetime. And my work is a labor of the deepest kind of love, to be sure.
Still, there are moments when my wandering pioneer spirit bursts forth (apparently while I’m alone peeing) to consider the what-ifs, maybes, and if onlys. At the risk of sounding like a Shel Silverstein poem, for me it is all those what-ifs, maybes, and if onlys that make the future worth longing for, really. Because someday I will look at the present moment and recognize within it the sudden invigorating reality that one of these dreams has, pouf, appeared, and perhaps come to stay. And oh, how exciting it will be.
I don’t know what it is that makes me want to try it all, or what job on the planet matches the description, “Modern day gypsy type seeking diverse career experience with a preference toward right brain projects.”
As for today, however, I am aware of how all this pondering came about. Two nights ago my husband and I watched Julie and Julia because of my infinite love affair with Nora Ephron. See it, you will love it too. And then maybe, like me, you will be ready to drop everything and become a cook like Ms. Child, or rather cook and blog your way through her books in 365 days like Julie Powell did in the film.
While I was immediately inspired and reminded of my rapture with the ifs, ands, & buts of life, I was also shocked and terrified by the dedication of the protagonist to her year long commitment to cook and blog, blog and cook, sometimes even two recipes a day! You see, as wanderers are known to do, I love starting projects but love less the details of finishing them. I cannot say how many half-baked paintings and good intentions I have stuffed under the bed and in closets.
So in favor of self-preservation, my conclusion is to get in, live it, get it done, and move on. Now how to add that to my mythical job description? “Modern day gypsy type seeking diverse career experience with a preference toward right brain projects that have a definitive beginning, middle, and end lasting no longer than, say, a week or two.” Anyone? Anyone??
Ah, well. It’s a good thing that the imagining is often just enough for me. And when it’s not I’ll dip into my cache of daydreams and pick one out to live for the day. Tonight I think I’ll make beef bourguignon. And maybe blog about it later. That’ll do.