Join me in my head, why don’t ya’

25 Jan

It’s Friday, and we’re headed up to a mountainous town for the weekend which means winding roads and drowsy kiddos. Time for me to think. Because I’m super deep and inspiring I thought I’d just let that ol’ stream of consciousness flow and, you know, change your life with all of my insight. Let’s hope I live up to the pressure I’ve just created for myself…and now, “Things I Thought About On The Way Up The Mountain: Uncensored”.

Fawnskin. As in the town. Say it fast 3 times and you’ll know why I smirk every time we make this drive. Apparently I have the brain of a 12 year old boy.

Squatting in turnouts. Time for a math lesson, kids! Let’s count all the places mommy has tinkled on the side of the road because she thought cold weather “necessitated” a cup of hot coffee and then “OMG, why do I always forget coffee goes right through me…no, we aren’t almost there, so pull over, NOW. No, I can’t hold it, and yes, I went before we left. Do you really want the kids to see me piss myself…no I’m guessing you don’t, so  PULL THE F OVER!”. This ends with me making yellow snow. Fun for the whole family, and all of the families driving by mommy with her pants down.

Video games. I ❤ Sega. Or whoever the hell it is that makes the DS. It’s educational and has a full day’s dose of Omega 3’s, right? Win win.

Mike and Ike’s. My husband’s quintessential road snack, but only because they’re gluten free. He’s such a giver.

Yoga Pants. How I’ve been wearing them since 7:30 this morning and would be happy to sleep in them and start all over again tomorrow. At the grocery store everyone would be like, “man I wish I worked out as much as her, she’s always in her yoga pants”, then  I’d be like, I know, it’s kind of amazing the capacity I have for accomplishing a shit ton every day” when really I just eat Mike & Ike’s and sleep in yoga pants. Gotta say, I’m super stoked about this plan.

Not throwing up.

Foxes and bears. The boys saw some but I told them if they lie to me again their lips will most likely fall off. Only I can spot a bear through pine trees thick as those. Eyes in the back of my head remember? Yeah, it’s called mom strength.

Grocery trucks. As in how much it sucks being stuck behind one going 15 MPH. Watch out for RAV4’s too. Those bitches are creepers, yo.

The unfortunate size of my bladder. (refer to item #2) I’d like to remove my ovaries and have a second “overflow” bladder installed. While they’re down there I’d also like a man part, which would make peeing in a cup a friggin’ world easier. This is getting messy, but I’m not stopping, honey. Equal rights and all, remember, my ancestors fought for this? And leather is washable anyway.

Not throwing up.

Seasons. How I love to visit them, but not for more than 4 days max. Snow is sooooo pretty to look at, but did you know that it’s cold to the touch? Like Slurpee cold. Take my word for it.

Guard Rails. Would it hurt to make them any taller? My pea brain needs more security than 23″, thanks.

The Call Box. Do those things work? I put one in the trunk as a souvenir. It’s gotta be worth about as much as a mummy or at least a quarter. Any takers? It’s totally going into the boys’ college fund, promise.

Christmas trees. It’s like the largest “cut your own” lot, out here. I’ve got Christmas vacation running through my head and it’s awesome in here. I’ll be sure to bring the station wagon next winter.

Dog farts. Yup, they’re in the back with the kids. Poor kids.

Awesome things kids say. Like “hey, we got the tail on that car!!!”. No, I’m not sure WTF that means either, but I, like you, am thinking he’s probably an undercover 007 agent.

Clouds. The ones that float low and all on their own like they’ve been photoshopped onto my eyeballs. When I was little I had a theory that they were UFOs. Aliens totally think of the best disguises. We don’t have a chance against them…

How prolific of a list-maker I am. I challenge you to a duel…

Shockin’ the bi’s. Just so you know bi’s are biceps, as in the ones I worked the hell out of this morning. I’m sore just sitting here. Oh right, yoga…note to self: don’t actually sleep in your Lulus, and try to mix in a shower sometime this weekend. You’re not in LA anymore.

Psychic Readers. There seem to be a lot up here. I am totally going to ask Madame Esmerelda if my bladder/penile surgery is looking like the next big thing. I have a feeling it’s going to catch on. And I’m chock full of sweet ideas like that one. Don’t worry, I won’t forget the little people.

And that, kids, it a sneak peek into crazy town. Now it’s your turn to lay out your crazy. Come on…what thought just went through your head that made you all like, “Aw snap, brain, you did not just think that!?”. Share with the group. Tell me I’m not the only one!

Happy Friday, y’all 🙂

23 Responses to “Join me in my head, why don’t ya’”

  1. Arian Boulger Barnett January 25, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

    Any blog with the words “mommy with her pants down” is OK in my book. But when you can tag it under the category “poop and fart jokes,” you know you have a real gem. Now if I can just find a way to work “pooping out a 5-pound turkey baby” into my conversation this weekend, I will feel complete. Good stuff here my friend…

    • FreeTheMom January 25, 2013 at 10:08 pm #

      And that is precisely why I love you 😉

  2. rick armand January 25, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

    my grandmother told me dog gas makes children hallucinate

  3. Jen January 26, 2013 at 1:21 am #

    Fawnskin, Fawnskin, Fawnskin!! Sol funny. Apparently I have the brain of a 12 year old boy also.

    • FreeTheMom January 26, 2013 at 8:42 am #

      It IS funny, yes! Each and every time!

  4. Trina McElroy January 26, 2013 at 5:11 am #

    hahahahah! A great way to start my saturday at 5am! Did you write that while in the truck on the way up? “Not throwing up” was mentioned 2x and each time I burped a little when I read it! Thanks for the mind candy!

    • FreeTheMom January 26, 2013 at 8:42 am #

      Yup. I’m a crazy awesome multi-tasker who can scribble notes on paper while simultaneously not throwing up. I’ll teach you how someday! ❤

  5. Processing the Light January 26, 2013 at 5:30 am #

    All the adventures of peeing like a guy without the surgey…

    • FreeTheMom January 26, 2013 at 8:40 am #

      Gaaahhhh!!! Why didn’t I think of this! You have reached a whole new realm of greatness today, in my book…

  6. Laura January 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

    hilarious hon!

  7. Sharon January 28, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    That ‘go-girl’ device has been around a long time…or something similar to it has. We used them when we went camping with the kids when they were younger. My daughter and I called it the pee-like-a-man. “Mommy, I need the pee-like-a-man.”

    • FreeTheMom January 28, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

      AGH! I NEED to pee-pee-like-a-man ALL THE TIME!!! I am very excited about this new information…

  8. Aryan January 28, 2013 at 11:28 pm #

    I am with you love all the way. I have my share of “PULL THE F OVER” since my husbad believes everything is mind over matter 🙂

    • FreeTheMom January 28, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

      You need a “go-girl” too! See comments above 😉

      • Aryan February 5, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

        I DO need one 😉

        • FreeTheMom February 6, 2013 at 5:59 am #

          I’d ask to share but I doubt that’s allowed. Lemme know how it works, I’m on board!

  9. beingkeri February 6, 2013 at 2:42 am #

    The. vicious coffee/pee cycle reminds me of my twin sister – she always starts a road trip with some giant beverage which she sucks down before falling dead asleep for a xouple hours. Then she wakes up declaring “I have to pee RIGHT NOW! ”
    So you find her a place, off she trots inside and 5 minutes later, out she comes with a gas station cappuccino the size of a trash can and the whole thing starts over. Good thing she’s smokin’ hot. (Did I mention we are identical?)

    • FreeTheMom February 6, 2013 at 5:57 am #

      Hahaha, that sounds painfully familiar. A tall beverage on a road trip is like bringing your best friend in the car along with you. It’s comforting, there for you when you think you might barf, & most importantly knows not to compete for airtime as you sing a capella show tunes.

  10. inspiretheworld2day February 22, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    You crack me up! This is hysterical.


  1. This is a story about poop. « Free the Mom - January 28, 2013

    […] all started after my last post on Friday night- I should have expected some blow-back after birthing all that rollicking hilarity […]

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