Ladies, we can be
forgetful spontaneous too, am I right? Here are some jazzy ideas for those of you who need a gift that’s a game changer, and also the kind you can get your hands on within the next five minutes. Boyfriend on his way over? Husband in the next room with a blindfold on? It’s like I’m talking only to you right now. Here are 10 winners.
1) E-mail a naked photo. This one’s great and super versatile. Snap a boobie pic with your phone in the grocery store bathroom or from the webcam in your cubicle. Be sure to send it to his work e-mail with a cryptic subject line like, “Skunks in the barnyard”, or “Grab the defibrillator”. HR will never suspect a thing with a quirky cover-up like that.
2) Get it written in ink. Nothing says true love like your new boyfriend’s name across your chest. No time to dash out to the tattoo shop? Go with Sharpie and an IOU. He’ll appreciate the opportunity to accompany you this weekend and most likely be grateful for the chance to reciprocate with your initials on his ring finger. Most guys are sentimental like that.
3) Go big and wash his car. Like, with your hands. This one works best if you show up unannounced at his workplace with a bucket and sponge wearing nothing but a Bud Light or stars and stripes bikini. Be sure to bring along your boom box rocking “Call Me Maybe” so his whole office is alerted to how awesome of a girlfriend you are.
4) Nothing says I Love You like your last stick of gum. Include a post-it with a thoughtful handwritten note, like “Stuck on you, lol!”, or “I searched for about three whole minutes through the bottom of my purse for this!!!”. If he doesn’t recognize that as love it’s a major warning sign. He’ll never appreciate you for who you are. I’d get out now.
5) Swing by the corner gas station for a quality greeting card that says the words you’ve been holding back all these months. Naked guy in a banana hammock? That’s a sure way to say you’re ready for pregnancy, so let’s do this. Adorable baby animals? He’ll get the message loud and clear that you’re expecting twins! A bottle of Tabasco with the words “You make me caliente!”…no question you’ll be on the next plane to romantic Ensenada. And any card with an otter wearing sunglasses is the obvious way to show him you’re eco-conscious and kind of a hipster. Bonus: If your relationship is serious and you’d like to make sure he knows you know it then throw in a cup of coffee to show you really care. It’s all in the details.
6) Be practical and go with toiletries. This one’s a no-brainer. Who doesn’t use toothpaste and hand soap? No time for a trip to Walgreens? Raid the medicine cabinet and go with the leftover Vicodin. Throw in a half bottle of Jack and you’ve got yourself an instant party! Also makes the perfect hostess gift.
7) Feeling exceptionally generous this year? Then give freely of your often-coveted and hard to earn “love and respect”. This is an old favorite of mine which also works great when you’ve forgotten a birthday, anniversary, or graduation. The key is in the delivery, try something like, “Congratulations! Today I bestow upon you the priceless and intangible gift of my undying yet sometimes conditional love and respect!” The good thing about this one – totally revocable. Take it back anytime this person pisses you off, and re-gift to the next friend or colleague who demonstrates an exceptional level of awesomeness deserving of your recognition.
8) Pop him a text. Make it thoughtful so your loved one can feel you’ve been “planning it for weeks” as opposed to filching it from some website. Include something sentimental like an inside joke, a haiku, or the old standby, “Roses are red, violets are blue, zippers are tough, but I have faith in you.”
9) Offer to paint his nails. File this one under “Do unto others as you would have them do to you”. Be sure to go all pro on his ass with callous remover and hot stones from the yard. He’s sure to love that shit. I mean, he’s probably been offered a hundred BJ’s, but do you think a lady has ever asked him if he wants aromatherapy with that? My guess it not. It will knock his socks off.
10) Pass him down your favorite nicknack or childhood toy. After all, guys love “stuff”, right? And by handing over your best porcelain kitten figurines you are also demonstrating your willingness to move the contents of your curio cabinet into his man cave – always a big step in a relationship that’s headed in the right direction. Sharing is caring.
There you have it, ladies. The Top 10 last minute Valentine gifts this season. Use one, or mix and match, just be sure to let me know when the proposal rolls in! You deserve it.
Peace, and Happy V-Day!