There’s this voice that lives in my head. She tells me mean and horrible lies like chocolate is for losers and Johnny Depp isn’t really a pirate. Bitch.
She also tells me that I’m not as good at karaoke as I think I am, and that I may never write a creative word again. To which I’m like, whaaat? I’m a superstar at both of those things, yo! And she’s all, oh yeah you were yesterday, but what do you have to show for today, Kelly Clarkson? Then I get all aggro and threatening so she backs off, but by then my brain is all fuzzy and wondering if another witty thought will ever pass through my mind or microphone again.
The answer, folks, is hell freaking yes. A hundred times yes. This one’s for you, slutty devil on my shoulder. There is so much crazy up there where you live and out in the wild world that really, one doesn’t have to search too far to find gold.
And now, a list: “Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say”
1) People are stupid. Stupid is fodder for
assholes writers like me. My husband is a first class judger people watcher. Dare I say, I learned from the best.
2) Farts are funny, and just like line item #1, someone is always doing it. The kids, the dogs. Never me. Duh.
3) I think I have A.D.D. (more on this another day). Squirrel!
4) Instagram. If all else fails I can always show y’all what I ate for breakfast. You will be enthralled.
5) I do yoga, and that’s centering and stuff. Makes the mind sharp as a tack. Like how I showed up to class 30 minutes early this morning all rev’d up and ready for pretzel pose then had to wait by myself for the people who wear watches to show up. That was my brain one step ahead of the rest of the world, see.
6) I’m a human thesaurus. It’s just not fair for me to keep all this knowledge about alternate phrasing in my own head, you know? You gotta’ share your talents. Later today instead of saying “I done went to the Wallmart” you’ll say “I perambulated to the market”. And you’ll have me to thank. Spreading the knowledge, baby.
7) Squirrel! Damn, those buggers are everywhere.
8) Just like photos of my breakfast I can always turn to the other trusty standby, pictures of me making duckface.
This will never get old, and the material is endless so I’m feeling pretty solid about this one.
9) Grocery shopping. That’s always an inspiring topic, no? Talk amongst yourselves.
10) I love a good list, have you noticed? Just looking at the numbers 1-10 on a page get the creative juices flowing. Any higher than that and my brain goes numb, but if I can count a group of thoughts with my fingers, it’s guaranteed blogging genius. And if this fails I’m a shoe in for a sweet job on Sesame Street.
Now that you know where the hell I get my creative genius, how ’bout you let me in on your secrets. Do you do your best thinking in the car? The steam room? Passed out at the bar? Let me know so I can try your ideas out and report back with a photo essay. Damn! Line item number 11, yo! It’s gonna be a good day.
Happy Friday, bitches!