There’s this voice that lives in my head. She tells me mean and horrible lies like chocolate is for losers and Johnny Depp isn’t really a pirate. Bitch.
She also tells me that I’m not as good at karaoke as I think I am, and that I may never write a creative word again. To which I’m like, whaaat? I’m a superstar at both of those things, yo! And she’s all, oh yeah you were yesterday, but what do you have to show for today, Kelly Clarkson? Then I get all aggro and threatening so she backs off, but by then my brain is all fuzzy and wondering if another witty thought will ever pass through my mind or microphone again.
The answer, folks, is hell freaking yes. A hundred times yes. This one’s for you, slutty devil on my shoulder. There is so much crazy up there where you live and out in the wild world that really, one doesn’t have to search too far to find gold.
And now, a list: “Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say”
1) People are stupid. Stupid is fodder for assholes writers like me. My husband is a first class judger people watcher. Dare I say, I learned from the best.
2) Farts are funny, and just like line item #1, someone is always doing it. The kids, the dogs. Never me. Duh.
3) I think I have A.D.D. (more on this another day). Squirrel!
4) Instagram. If all else fails I can always show y’all what I ate for breakfast. You will be enthralled.
Delicious AND riveting
5) I do yoga, and that’s centering and stuff. Makes the mind sharp as a tack. Like how I showed up to class 30 minutes early this morning all rev’d up and ready for pretzel pose then had to wait by myself for the people who wear watches to show up. That was my brain one step ahead of the rest of the world, see.
6) I’m a human thesaurus. It’s just not fair for me to keep all this knowledge about alternate phrasing in my own head, you know? You gotta’ share your talents. Later today instead of saying “I done went to the Wallmart” you’ll say “I perambulated to the market”. And you’ll have me to thank. Spreading the knowledge, baby.
7) Squirrel! Damn, those buggers are everywhere.
8) Just like photos of my breakfast I can always turn to the other trusty standby, pictures of me making duckface.
Like this:
who doesn’t ❤ duckface? my husband, that’s who
Or this:
me and my BFF, just chillin’ how we do
Or this:
gotta’ work to eat, yo
This will never get old, and the material is endless so I’m feeling pretty solid about this one.
too much duckface makes a bitch crazy
9) Grocery shopping. That’s always an inspiring topic, no? Talk amongst yourselves.
10) I love a good list, have you noticed? Just looking at the numbers 1-10 on a page get the creative juices flowing. Any higher than that and my brain goes numb, but if I can count a group of thoughts with my fingers, it’s guaranteed blogging genius. And if this fails I’m a shoe in for a sweet job on Sesame Street.
Now that you know where the hell I get my creative genius, how ’bout you let me in on your secrets. Do you do your best thinking in the car? The steam room? Passed out at the bar? Let me know so I can try your ideas out and report back with a photo essay. Damn! Line item number 11, yo! It’s gonna be a good day.
Happy Friday, bitches!
Seriously. You make me smile (and laugh at loud, while I should be working and not reading my business partners blog) every time I read your blog. Thank you for sharing your creativity and wisdom. Keeps me going! XOXO
😉
favorite thought time……………………………………?
shortly after puking the foul tasting cacti buttons
That’s charming, really 😉
You always make me laugh…loud! Another funny one..thanks for sharing!
Anytime, my favorite Ms. Cranky! Thanks for always stopping by!
Aww..I bet you say that to all the Cranks! 🙂
No way, only you sweet thing!
In between the pond and the canadian geese that seem to always have something to say have you noticed they never wait there turn to be heard always talking over each other… But man do they give great beauty tips on how to wear ones hair…
but mostly during the moments of mediation that call me out of the phone booth and into a shower cap to stand in the middle of the street… I suppose this is where I say yes I said Shower cap… I usually carry my can of wine inside my backpack next to my animal crackers. Mostly when the most inspirational moments are when Lois whispers we are having pancakes for dinner! YUMMM with my duck face! 🙂 thanks for the smile my dear friend! 🙂
Oh Clark, how mysterious you are. But I heard can of wine loud and clear! Pair that with animal crackers and I’m on board, for sure, yo. Thx for stopping in 🙂
Omg you’re something…
I’ve just started blogging, you’re at a whole other level!
You are nothing short of hilarious. I don’t know how you don’t laugh hysterically while writing!!!
So in answer to your question: my best thinking spot is definitely the shower. I use the foggy glass shower door as a board to make point form ideas, charts and especially calculations. Sometimes during my day i’ll think of something and keep it for later (for the shower)… but sometimes shower time never comes (I have 3 kids) ..and that’s another story for another time.
Dear Julie,
Can you be my new best friend? Can I put you in my pocket so we can talk when I’m having a bad day? I think I love you.
Love,
me
P.S. Good luck blogging!
I think I love you too!
I saw your comment earlier…i got all excited,tried to reply but my toddler kept hitting the keyboard, then the newborn started to cry and my husband started yelling at me for “ignoring” the baby.
Nothing wrong with letting them cry a bit…!!
Gah, damned kids interfering with our conversation! Tell your husband I said simmer down 😉
Haha, so funny Anj! So I’ve named that little evil devil voice that lives within and tells me I can’t. He comes out when I’m running – that little sh$t is named Chester (yes, like Chester the Molester). And when he joins me for a run and tells me I’ll never run fast or puts me down, I have visions of his head popping off or him getting smashed by a car…. And then I go flying by!
Wow, I love that! I’m so throwing that bitch into traffic next time she shows up!
#1. You ARE as good at karaoke as you think you are. Keep belting out that gold!
#2. I do my best thinking while I’m running. (Now you have to go for a run to try that method out, right?!)
#3. I can’t do a duck face to save my life. I always look like I’m kissing a window or sucking seeds outta my teeth. Who knew I had such a pro in my midst. Perhaps you can put together a blog post on how to get that perfect mix of sexy/pouty/bitchy that you do so well. Please include more pictures, cause the ones above made my day.
#4. Ten is just too many for me. I’m out
#1 Thank-you, you are still my friend.
#2 F running.
#3 I’ve only ever made duckface in about 3 other pictures, ever. This was special, just for you.
#4 Three is more than I ever hoped for! I ❤ u!
bwahahahahahahaahahah! Wish I had more time to think about something witty to write! Gotta get the kid and check out some karate! Happy Friday Biatch!
Shoot, me too! On the way to school!
You are hilarious, this one had me cracking up!
That duckface was just for you, baby.
Can you see my smile ? 🙂 🙂
Twice!
I haven’t commented yet, but…I love your blog!!! I’ve been reading it since you started, and you always make me smile. And I’m so jealous of your chickens (I want chickens!!!). XO
Aww, thank-you Erin! And yes, the chickens are so fab! Get some!!!
Hysterical! Love it. The photos are gold. Facebook is my squirrel: “Here I go, working on my book and . . . Facebook!”
Thanks for reminding me of yet another way to do anything but work! I’ll be silently cursing you tomorrow for this…or maybe instead I’ll curse you on Facebook.
My new love for ways to think….
expo markers on the mirrors not to mention getting side tracked by writing love notes to the fam.
Oh I LOVE those. Perfect perfect 🙂