1) It makes your other appliances look better. Just place your Vitamix in-between the deep fryer and doughnut maker and you’ve instantly improved the perceived health of your entire kitchen. And if one of those eclairs or an occasional french fry gets mixed in with your wheatgrass smoothie then you know it’s gonna’ be a good day.
2) Helpful if your kids’ college funds are looking a bit too cushy. As for me, I spontaneously feel the need to balance their accounts to the tune of, eh, minus half a grand here and there. Past withdrawals have sponsored self publishing, espadrille sprees, and mom & dad weekends in Vegas. The Vitamix fits perfectly into this category which I’ve now named “mom’s PMSing, hurry buy her something”.
3) Captain Obvious says: it’s healthy! Hate your veggies? Just throw in a half cup of sugar, some chocolate milk, and a Snickers bar with your kale and you’ve got a salad shake as tasty as any Dairy Queen could ever whip up. Way to be, you.
4) It’s artsy. Since your new Vitamix will take up about as much space as a Viking range, take heart in knowing it also doubles as a functional art piece, paper weight, and wine bucket. All of these things are worth many hundreds of dollars, yes?!
5) Makes you 10 pounds thinner. I swear, even as I marched my Vitamix box out of Bed Bath & Beyond I felt more svelte than I had when I walked in. I’m not going to consider the fact that it was probably due to the hundred dollar bills that had been padding my hips. Glad to be rid of those!
6) Everybody’s doing it. Last year it was the Shake Weight and a few decades before the Thigh Master. What I do know? Health is in, yo, and I’ve got the gadgets to prove it.
7) Kid friendly smoothies. The first thing I did after unpacking my new pride and joy was to make a delicious and nutritious blended drink for my wee ones. I went with strawberries, aloe juice, and some of their little dude protein powder. My only regret – leaving out the
bourbon Benadryl blueberries.
8) It’s cheaper than a facelift. Am I implying that the Vitamix wards off wrinkles? Crap, totally not what I meant. I was just stating a fact. The Vitamix IS cheaper than a facelift.
9) Now you have a place to put all the stuff your family won’t eat. Made broccoli for dinner? Throw the table scraps in the Vitamix. Kids hate their spinach? Blend that shit. Did the fam turn their noses up at last night’s meatloaf? That’s more protein for mom’s morning smoothie. We’re already used to cleaning up everyone else’s crap, why not eat it too?!
10) Margaritas. Also on the menu for tonight’s cocktail hour: Strawberry Daiquiris, blended Whiskey Sours, icy Bloody Mary’s, and Pina Coladas. Duck-face photos to follow. I’m accepting volunteers to take my kids to school tomorrow morning because driving morning-after drunk is just irresponsible. I’m a role model, I have to take this shit seriously.
So now that you know why Vitamix is first on my list of kitchen essentials, it’s time to let me know what’s on yours! Can’t live without your panini maker? Why the hell not? Love your perfect meatloaf pan more than your husband? Make me believe it!
If you’re lucky I’ll choose the most awesome kitchen appliance to use in my very first FreeTheMom Vlog (that’s a video blog, for the over 50 constituent), and am prepared to award bonus points if your gadget if available “As seen on TV”. Think I’m joking? I’m totally not. This is obviously a very bad, and possibly very expensive idea, but I’m really just here for you, so let’s do this thing, people. Gimme a hollar!
Happy freaking Monday!