Top 10: Reasons your Vitamix kicks ass

4 Mar

Proof that I’m taking an ass-kicking.

1) It makes your other appliances look better. Just place your Vitamix in-between the deep fryer and doughnut maker and you’ve instantly improved the perceived health of your entire kitchen. And if one of those eclairs or an occasional french fry gets mixed in with your wheatgrass smoothie then you know it’s gonna’ be a good day.

2) Helpful if your kids’ college funds are looking a bit too cushy. As for me, I spontaneously feel the need to balance their accounts to the tune of, eh, minus half a grand here and there. Past withdrawals have sponsored self publishing, espadrille sprees, and mom & dad weekends in Vegas. The Vitamix fits perfectly into this category which I’ve now named “mom’s PMSing, hurry buy her something”.

3) Captain Obvious says: it’s healthy! Hate your veggies? Just throw in a half cup of sugar, some chocolate milk, and a Snickers bar with your kale and you’ve got a salad shake as tasty as any Dairy Queen could ever whip up. Way to be, you.

4) It’s artsy. Since your new Vitamix will take up about as much space as a Viking range, take heart in knowing it also doubles as a functional art piece, paper weight, and wine bucket. All of these things are worth many hundreds of dollars, yes?!

5) Makes you 10 pounds thinner. I swear, even as I marched my Vitamix box out of Bed Bath & Beyond I felt more svelte than I had when I walked in. I’m not going to consider the fact that it was probably due to the hundred dollar bills that had been padding my hips. Glad to be rid of those!

6) Everybody’s doing it. Last year it was the Shake Weight and a few decades before the Thigh Master. What I do know? Health is in, yo, and I’ve got the gadgets to prove it.


Just looking at these makes my pecs hurt.


7) Kid friendly smoothies. The first thing I did after unpacking my new pride and joy was to make a delicious and nutritious blended drink for my wee ones. I went with strawberries, aloe juice, and some of their little dude protein powder. My only regret – leaving out the   bourbon   Benadryl   blueberries.

8) It’s cheaper than a facelift. Am I implying that the Vitamix wards off wrinkles? Crap, totally not what I meant. I was just stating a fact. The Vitamix IS cheaper than a facelift.

9) Now you have a place to put all the stuff your family won’t eat. Made broccoli for dinner? Throw the table scraps in the Vitamix. Kids hate their spinach? Blend that shit. Did the fam turn their noses up at last night’s meatloaf? That’s more protein for mom’s morning smoothie. We’re already used to cleaning up everyone else’s crap, why not eat it too?!

10) Margaritas. Also on the menu for tonight’s cocktail hour: Strawberry Daiquiris, blended Whiskey Sours, icy Bloody Mary’s, and Pina Coladas. Duck-face photos to follow. I’m accepting volunteers to take my kids to school tomorrow morning because driving morning-after drunk is just irresponsible. I’m a role model, I have to take this shit seriously.

So now that you know why Vitamix is first on my list of kitchen essentials, it’s time to let me know what’s on yours! Can’t live without your panini maker? Why the hell not? Love your perfect meatloaf pan more than your husband? Make me believe it!

If you’re lucky I’ll choose the most awesome kitchen appliance to use in my very first FreeTheMom Vlog (that’s a video blog, for the over 50 constituent), and am prepared to award bonus points if your gadget if available “As seen on TV”. Think I’m joking? I’m totally not. This is obviously a very bad, and possibly very expensive idea, but I’m really just here for you, so let’s do this thing, people. Gimme a hollar!

Happy freaking Monday!

Anjale signature WEB

28 Responses to “Top 10: Reasons your Vitamix kicks ass”

  1. Trina McElroy March 4, 2013 at 5:22 am #

    Yes!!!! Vitamix RULES!!! I’ll be over at 8am to take the kiddos to school! Thank you for my monday morning chuckle! Happy Monday yo!

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 5:43 am #

      Ha, knew I could count on you to support mid-week boozing!

  2. kk March 4, 2013 at 7:47 am #

    Man, I’ve had one of these bad boys for 2 years and its only job so far has been keeping my toaster company in the cabinet under the island. Thanks for the post… makes me think I should plug in at some point.

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 9:26 am #

      Shoot, I should have just come over and ganked yours! Darn…

  3. inspiretheworld2day March 4, 2013 at 7:58 am #

    Thanks for making me laugh…this was great. I may just run right out and buy one 😉

  4. AliceKS March 4, 2013 at 8:17 am #

    We LOVE OUR BLENDTEC!!!! 🙂 Vitamix’s bff, ya know. Try this one: freeze a big ole bag of bananas (peel first). Blend in your VM. Add cocoa powder and/or peanut butter to taste. VOILA!!!! Non-diary, no-sugar-added ICE CREAM. That’s right. Frickin’ delish & no guilt. Well, I usually don’t feel guilty if I eat crap, but I do feel guilty if I feed crap to my kids. So no worries there!

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 9:27 am #

      Holy night, did I just die and go to heaven?! My kids are going to think I’m a superhero with this one 😉

  5. kuophoto March 4, 2013 at 8:17 am #

    Hey!!! NICE BANNER, girrrrrrl. Love it!!!!!! 😀

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 9:28 am #

      😉 Thought you might recognize that photo!

  6. kuophoto March 4, 2013 at 8:19 am #

    Oh, hey, here’s another one the kids will love: Frozen strawberries, lots. Banana, or two. Frozen orange juice concentrate, to taste. Pineapple, if you like tart. 😉 Add liquid vehicle if necessary. And alcohol…for the adults. 🙂 Cheers!!!!

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 9:32 am #

      Now that sounds like a party. I love you for this!

  7. rick armand March 4, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    after 17 years of living out of an oldsmobile….
    sacred candles surround the fridge

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 9:32 am #

      Hmmmm, nope, not seeing it this time…

      • rick armand March 4, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

        summers….olds…perishables…coolers….no ice…
        the sacred fav appliance

  8. betsybaum March 4, 2013 at 10:33 am #

    I love my Blendtec! The blades aren’t sharp but are pointed up at the ends to create a vortex in the blender jar, pulling all the ingredients down to the bottom to be pulverized. Take lots of frozen fruit, your choice, add just enough water for processing for the kids or vodka for the adults.

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 10:35 am #

      Mmmmm, the frozen fruit is already a fave in our household!

  9. whencrazymeetsexhaustion March 4, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

    Does a rechargeable wine opener count? Okay, let’s go with the more family friendly griddle the size of a small Volkswagen. Throw all the breakfast shiz on it at once and voila! More time to use the wine opener.

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

      Oh hell YES!!! Anything for more time with wine.

  10. Arian March 4, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

    “Kids hate their spinach? Blend that shit!” That line alone will have me laughing the rest of the night. Well, that and a stroll down mini-Anj memory lane. Love love!!

    • FreeTheMom March 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

      Hahahaha, mini-Anj liked that one too 😉

  11. Aryan March 5, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    Thank you making me laugh;
    I used to mix milk fish oil, protein powder and calcium with strawberries or bananas for my kids. My oldest used to say “mom this taste like the bad oil from McDonalds!” My usual response was “wow really ?!! ” So, here you go, you be the judge and please don’t tell my boys what I did to them 🙂

    • FreeTheMom March 6, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

      Hahaha, I’ve done the same to my kiddos! They see right through me…

  12. Aryan March 5, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

    For more civilized treat , I blend steamed spinach, dash of basil with low fat yogurt as a dip for vegetables, pita bread or even as a side dish.

  13. Kim March 8, 2013 at 9:45 am #

    I gotta get me one of those things!!!!

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