Dear Interweb…

14 Mar

…I’ve been struggling with you a lot today. If we’re both being honest, our relationship has always been love-hate.


Me, my serious face, and my secret diary full of angry notes. The crappy internet is about to get its feelings very hurt.

I love you for your Google, but hate it when you flaunt endless time-sucking distractions in the sidebar. You know I’m a sucker gluten free cookies and carousel rides. Making me drool over ads for them both at the same time is just mean.

I love you for Amazon, but hate it when you try to bill me for that shit. The internet isn’t real, everyone knows that! Wise up and recognize that if you’re ‘gonna call yourself “virtual” then you’d better ease up on all that real money stuff. My husband will be talking to you more about this later.

I love you for Pinterest, but hate it when you take time away from my taxes. I’m crunching numbers here, trying to ignore the fact that thousands of women worldwide are pinning DIY potholders and awesome nail polish designs. How the F do you expect a girl to concentrate?

I love you for YouTube, but hate that you let any old hippie on there. Screaming goats at the click of a button, brilliant. Sittin’ on Tha Toilet, not so much.

I love you for e-mail, but hate you for e-mail. There are messages that I can’t wait to get my hands on, and others that make me want to punch a baby animal. If you could please add a filter for any e-mail with numbers in it that would be great. Go ahead and send those right to my husband.

I love you for Wikipedia, but hate you for WebMD. Explanation here.

I love you for craigslist but hate you for making me think all men are rapists. Middle aged gay dude trying to pick up my antique hand mirror? Rapist. Young dad hoping to score my sweet used baby crib? Rapist. Old guy checkin’ the specs on my old longboard? Rapist. And if there are any rapists reading this post, beware, I now answer the door dressed in a gorilla suit carrying a taser. You don’t wanna’ F with that.

I love you for Facebook but hate you for Twitter. Hashtags are the bane of my meager existence #hashtaghater. And I’m kidding about Facebook, I kinda’ hate you for that too.

I know y’all feel me here, peeps. So what is it that gets your goat on the net? Pictures of kittens? The Huffington Post? Porn? Let me know what you love-hate about the web…so I can rush on over there and see what all the fuss is about!

Peace out, peeps!

23 Responses to “Dear Interweb…”

  1. bensbitterblog March 14, 2013 at 5:36 am #

    The internet makes me bitter too! It’s like I am trying make a brilliant post and somehow Youtube gets in the way of my brilliantness.

    • FreeTheMom March 14, 2013 at 6:33 am #

      Right? At times YouTube brings the whole IQ of the internet down…and at other times…it’s just so good!

  2. Jerry March 14, 2013 at 6:37 am #

    I hate it when people post great works of art but only reveal a small sampling of it, such as…your tattoo. I hate the internet because it works smoothly until I want to post something of great importance like the arrest warrants out for the pope and queen then all things go to hell in a hand basket. It jams up or takes 5-10 minutes to bring up the page I want or to post. I love the internet because it brings to me or makes available to me posts of enlightenment such as your. It also lets me know that you are a lady by reading your posts and you use “F” instead of freaking. [End of Transmition] 😉

    • Jerry March 14, 2013 at 6:38 am #

      Dammit!!!! I don’t like wordpress because it does not allow me to go back and edit the errors of my ways, such as my reply above. 🙂

      • FreeTheMom March 14, 2013 at 6:47 am #

        Only I have that power on this page, yo! Bwaaahahahahha.

        • Jerry March 14, 2013 at 6:54 am #

          Sheepishly. Would you mind making a few edits for me in my last post oh mighty powerful one? 😉

    • FreeTheMom March 14, 2013 at 6:46 am #

      Oh shit, take that internet. He told you. I’ll let the tattoos fly next time, and maybe also some freaking language. And once you get that arrest warrant settled I’d love to hear about it 🙂 End transmission.

      • Jerry March 14, 2013 at 6:53 am #

        WOW!!! Sassy too. YAWHEE!!!! Now as far as the tattoo, I was referring to the left shoulder. Now you’ve gone and trashed my idea of you being a lady because you used the “F” word instead of “F”. You’re a real whoot. :)))))))))))) By the way, how are the wee ladies.

        • FreeTheMom March 14, 2013 at 7:02 am #

          Sassy is my middle name and I’ve got tattoos on both shoulders, YAWHEE! (that’s officially my new favorite phrase, by the way) For the record, I also said freaking, not fucking, which is the true “F” word. And the chicks are so goshdarned wonderful, thank-you for asking! We’re getting 5 eggs a day now, one from each girl. Way too cool 🙂

          • Jerry March 14, 2013 at 7:40 am #

            OK, shackled SASSY Mom. 2 tattoos eh? Fabulous! I could only see part of the one on the right shoulder. Such a minuscule part. I’m happier than a pig in slop you adopted “YAWHEE”. Certainly a woman of good taste. HA! My planned worked. You actually used the word fuc…oooops, the real “F” word. Ingenious plan don’t you think? I’m certainly happy the wee ladies are doing well. You will be over joyed when one of the ladies gives you two eggs in a day. A few of mine have and I was just beside myself. Overjoyed with excitement. A real tear jerker you know. Tell the wee ladies hello from Texass.

            • FreeTheMom March 14, 2013 at 8:00 am #

              Jerry, I have probably close to 20 tattoos. Now don’t make me get out my taser and gorilla suit.

              • Jerry March 14, 2013 at 8:07 am #

                NO NO NO!!!! Not the taser and gorilla suit. That’s just a little too rough. 20 tattoos? That must be some picturesque real estate. NO! I want ask for the grand tour. How was you chocolate? What a lot a fun you are. 🙂 Great sense of humor seasoned with a shake and sprinkle smart ass. Made my day thanks.

  3. A different kind of hero March 14, 2013 at 10:49 am #

    Hope you didn’t get that gorilla suit on Craig’s List…rapist!

  4. Aryan March 15, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    I love the internet, because I can read your post and see your beautiful face 🙂

  5. Aryan March 15, 2013 at 9:17 am #

    However, I do not like when it sends things too fast! I wish there was an option asking” are you sure you want to send this?” see like now 😉

    I like internet because of all its abilities, but it makes you lose real time and at the end of the day asking where did my day go? I like my yahoo account but hate it when my email is being used to sell, sexual enhancement products with an opening line: I have used it and you might like it too , seriously ….

    • FreeTheMom March 18, 2013 at 9:53 am #

      Haaaaahahahhaah, that is so beyond funny. And how in the heck are those always slipping through the spam filters?!!!

  6. shorelineclusterpoets/NE Fowl March 15, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    The section on craigslist is very funny, yet unnerving. I’ve encountered a few scammers there, so now I think everything there is a scam!

    • FreeTheMom March 18, 2013 at 9:54 am #

      Don’t trust anyone….okay I’m sounding cryptic. See what the internet is driving me to?!!


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