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Top 10: Reasons your Vitamix kicks ass

4 Mar
Vitamix2

Proof that I’m taking an ass-kicking.

1) It makes your other appliances look better. Just place your Vitamix in-between the deep fryer and doughnut maker and you’ve instantly improved the perceived health of your entire kitchen. And if one of those eclairs or an occasional french fry gets mixed in with your wheatgrass smoothie then you know it’s gonna’ be a good day. Continue reading

Top 10: Most awesome things to see in America

28 Feb

By the time you finish reading this you will be a) sending me flowers, and b) trolling the internet desperate to buy/rent/steal an RV/airstream/Vespa so that you too can experience the joys of cross country driving. If you’d rather not live in the teetering world of wanting something so badly you’re willing to walk out on your job, your dog, and your fridge full of Pabst then I suggest you either stop reading now or call your boss with a warning. Because I am pretty freaking convincing. Commence story:

When I was 20 and innocent (baahahah) I lived in New York City for a summer with my then boyfriend of 2 years, now husband of ouch my head hurts numbers suck. Once we tired of our “adorable” 600 square foot apartment and the “efficiency” of public transportation we loaded our dog and overpriced mattress into a U-Haul and hit the pavement back to LA.

NY to LA

Along the way we learned almost everything anyone would ever want to know about America from the window of our love-truck. And now I bestow these gifts upon you, because you’re my friend. With no further ado, a list.

Top  10: Most awesome things to see in America: Continue reading

Backfire of the week – revisited

21 Feb

So I’m feeling all nostalgic today…what better to do than dredge up some bad mommy moments from years past, huh? Here’s an old favorite that I wrote two Februaries ago when my little dudes were just 2 and 4. Time flies, and thank Holy Jesus for that, because I’d have an effing hernia if this happened again…enjoy!

So you know how, as a parent, the best of intentions don’t really mean a whole lot? And how just the slightest flick of a butterfly wing can turn a smiling two year old into a bipolar mess? If you don’t then I envy you. And your children should be cloned.

This morning Chinese Acrobats visited my sons’ school. I could launch into a whole tangent about that alone but I’ll stop myself and keep focus. Because wow…really, WOW. Anyway, as I am a “present and conscious mother” (see New Year’s Resolutions), I put off work for a couple of hours to attend the performance with my children.

Mistake number one. Since, as my husband pointed out, who needs to add any more excitement to a day already filled with spinning plates and kung fu? I’d planned on sitting with my kids on the auditorium floor, but decided last minute to take the boys into the bleachers so the three of us could sit together.

Mistake number two. Because not halfway into the show, little brother started kicking his feet against the aluminum stairs, which, truth be told, I didn’t even notice. I’m a mother of two small boys, who therefore wears powerful imaginary earmuffs at all times to keep from going completely nuts. Continue reading

How to rule on Presidents Day

18 Feb

5:00 am: Start by getting up early despite the fact that it’s a national holiday, for God’s sake. Get a shit ton done because you’re an over-achiever and generally awesome. Decide that coffee raises your self-esteem.

8:00 am: Let the kids watch 7 movies in a row so you can play around on Adobe Ideas all day get your work done. Then publicly brag about said work. Try something like, “Hey suckas, y’all noticed the dreamy new banner hanging over the top of this site? Tight, am I right?! Cyber high-five!”. Expect the accolades to roll right in.

10:00 am: Make gluten free Nutella cookies “for your friends” then eat the whole batch except 3. Let the kids have one each, and another to split after dinner. Sugar is for moms, hoodlums, step off!

11:30 am: Take a break from the computer to wave at the gardener while wearing reading glasses & a robe, eating cookies, and imagining that his leaf blower would be a great way to get the crumbs out of your bra. Continue reading

Top 10: (last minute) Valentine’s Day gifts

14 Feb

Ladies, we can be forgetful spontaneous too, am I right? Here are some jazzy ideas for those of you who need a gift that’s a game changer, and also the kind you can get your hands on within the next five minutes. Boyfriend on his way over? Husband in the next room with a blindfold on? It’s like I’m talking only to you right now. Here are 10 winners.

Valentine-heart

1) E-mail a naked photo. This one’s great and super versatile. Snap a boobie pic with your phone in the grocery store bathroom or from the webcam in your cubicle. Be sure to send it to his work e-mail with a cryptic subject line like, “Skunks in the barnyard”, or “Grab the defibrillator”. HR will never suspect a thing with a quirky cover-up like that.

2) Get it written in ink. Nothing says true love like your new boyfriend’s name across your chest. No time to dash out to the tattoo shop? Go with Sharpie and an IOU. He’ll appreciate the opportunity to accompany you this weekend and most likely be grateful for the chance to reciprocate with your initials on his ring finger. Most guys are sentimental like that. Continue reading