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2012’s funniest

5 Jan

When something laughable comes out of my kids’ mouths I try to slow the car down long enough to snag my iPhone, email a reminder to myself, then write it on the family calendar. The hope is that I’ll someday hand it over to this here blog, but that rarely happens, and usually I’m left asking my husband, what was that thing one of the kids once said? So here ya’ go y’all, the year in funnies. The ones I remembered to write down.

Big brother’s thoughts on a friend’s indoor cat:

I feel kind of sad for Snowy because all she gets to do is play with tiny cat toys and poop in the litterbox. It reminds me of Rapunzel.

Little dude, easily impressed:

Mama, I like how shiny your toilet is!

Big bro, pointing to little bro’s junk in the tub:

To a giant, this is like a chocolate chip! Continue reading

The year in funnies

18 May

2012 is upon us! Oh right, it’s almost halfway over. And the only thing missing…funnies! Here are some of my faves from the year so far. Don’t they just say the darndest things?!

Big bro expressing his feelings:

When I cry my brain hurts. Like as much as a zombie chewing it.

Little dude, clapping to Justin Bieber in the car:

I feel like I’m growing up into a grown-up when I do that!

On the day that big bro had a field trip to the Planetarium little dude puts binoculars around his neck and says they are:

To help me see brother when he goes into space.

Wise words from a three year old (tissue time):

Mommy, remember even when I die I’m going to love you. For my whole entire life. For a whole entire week.

From the inter-web savvy five year old:

The 5 year old: Mommy, can I be a mommy for Halloween?

The Mom: Yes, and how would you do that?

The 5 year old: CostumeExpress.com!

Little bro, on the hummingbird in the backyard:

He flew away to find other flowers to hum!

Little man, on being under the weather:

I think I know why I got a little something. I drank a little jacuzzi water and that has caffeine.

Big bro, party planning:

Kiddo: Can a baby Orca fit in our pool?

Mom: No.

Kiddo: OK, then my next birthday is going to have small whales. Like narwhals!

Mustache Tuesday

3 Apr

Hey y’all. It’s Tuesday. Normally a pretty average day except that this week we are on Spring Break. Woo! And I have successfully avoided opening my laptop…until now. Four days of total disconnect – then this morning my kiddos decide to have a brief conversation that’s kinda worth breaking the silence for. A conversation about none other than the mustache. Yup.

Big Bro: Grandma’s rarely have mustaches.

Little Bro: They’re cool. I want one.

Big Bro: Mustaches are fun. Fun-ny. Like if someone just walked up to you and said, “Look, I have a mustache” … that would be funny. Mommy, did daddy wear his fake mustache at your wedding?

I’m happy to report that although it’s true daddy does have a fake mustache in his medicine cabinet just in case he *needs* it, he did not wear it at our wedding. And none of the 3 grandmas in our family has a mustache of her own. Yet.

Hump day funnies

9 Nov

Little brother’s diagnosis of his sore foot:

Maybe it hurts because there’s spit in it. I think I swallowed it down and it went in my foot.

I have nothing to say here. Except that he’s 5, and I’m told this is just the beginning:

Sharks have 2 penises. That’s why I want to be a shark.

An understatement by little brother:

I am hilarious hungry.

Lamenting the destruction of his stuffed bear, big bro vents:

Mommy, why do the dogs only eat MY stuffed animals? It’s like the dogs are tornadoes and brother is in a house so he doesn’t get taken away!

A sad declaration by a three year old with a temperature of 104:

I need medicine because I have owies where my blood is.

After surprising big bro with a new art desk (get out the tissues…):

Papa, this is the second best surprise I have ever gotten. (Papa asks what’s the first, and he replies after deep thought…) The day I met mommy and papa!

Big brother’s retort when mommy cautions that lying is the worst thing in the world:

No, it’s not worse than saying I don’t love you!

And finally, a very different very five year old moment as big brother runs out of his bedroom screaming:

I can’t be in my room, it stinks too bad! Right now there is nothing stinkier than me!

Friday is funny again

27 May

Little brother (age 2), to his pre-school teacher:

Ms. Sandra, can you come over for a play date tomorrow? You have to ask your mommy first.

Big brother (age 4), explaining his sensitivity to temperature:

I think I’m warm blooded, but I have a little lizard in myself.

As mommy brushes little bro’s hair in the morning before school he says in a worried voice,

No mommy, if you do that my hair is going to be gorgeous. Only my friends who are girls, like Clare, have gorgeous hair!

On a sick day home from school big bro states:

Maybe my tummy hurts because these are not educational shows.

Little brother, on having a sibling:

I want to give brother to someone else because he is not being nice to me.

Big brother, being worldly:

Poopsie is how they say poop in France.

Wise little brother at bedtime:

Mommy, I love you, and papa, and brother. And myself. You have to love yourself.

During a disagreement, little brother stomps out of the room while yelling:

I’m not your brother anymore!

Big bro turns to his Auntie and says with perfectly victorious comedic timing:

He can’t change that.