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Top 10: Nuggets of Spring Break wisdom

3 Apr

Helloooo party people! Pardon my week long absence, but I’ve been away on Spring Break doing nothing but research for you lucky hooligans. I know you’re all wild ones in desperate need of my guidance since the very things we love about this random pre-summer week off are the same things that can give us a wicked hangover the “flu” for days afterward. Heed my advice and you’ll surely strike that magical balance between rest and relaxation. Let’s begin!

1) Pooping. I don’t know about you, but when I’m away from home I just don’t. And when mama’s teeny bikini fails to disguise the bloat then it’s fast track to cranky town which is no fun for anyone. My advice? Bring pooping pills. Or take a lot of shots. I did both and neither worked, but it was sure fun trying!

2) The sun. Because the whole purpose of spring break is to make your friends jealous of your preemptive summer tan, one might be inclined to just forgo the sunscreen and soak up the skin damage. But unless you’re Cherokee like me then you’re bound to end up with heat rash and a wicked forehead burn, like my husband. If you’re any brand of white I recommend slathering on the SPF 60 and handing the coconut oil over to us experts. Your skin cancer will thank you.

3) Alcohol. Do I need to explain this one? Certainly the best part of spring break (aside from family time and sightseeing, duh) is the daytime drinking. And the evening drinking. And the late night drinking while gambling at the kitchen table. And now that I’m three sentences in I can’t remember why the hell I slipped this one into my “cautionary” list because, damn, yo, those Jack and Cokes did the trick! Hmmm. I’ll do some more field research and get back to y’all on this one. Continue reading

Top 10: Things I flippin’ love about Ireland

18 Mar

I’m not Irish but wish I were. I could use a free pass to drink beer for breakfast and wine in church. Also? Freckles are cute. Need more reasons to love Ireland? You’re welcome…

1) Green beer. I wouldn’t touch this shit with a 10 foot pole but everyone else looks so festive drinking it, and can count each pint glass as a full serving of vegetables. I may add some to my next batch of meatloaf.

2) Limericks. I love rhyming. Here’s one for ya’, from me. I wanted to put either the word vagina or goatee in it, but couldn’t figure that shit out so…

There once was a mom from LA
Who wrote crappy poems all day.
Before long lack of rain
Began shrinking her brain
So she drank to find good shit to say.

3) Freckles. You already know I think they’re cute, but for us creative types, freckles also provide hours of entertainment. Waiting for a pool table? Play connect the dots on your Irish buddy’s forehead. Bored of darts? Pull down your pants, Reilly McIrish, those ass moles make for an arduous drunk target. In a springtime slump? Throw your freckled friend on a lawn chair and watch him turn pink. I’m an endless fountain of creativity here, folks. Continue reading

Top 10: Most awesome things to see in America

28 Feb

By the time you finish reading this you will be a) sending me flowers, and b) trolling the internet desperate to buy/rent/steal an RV/airstream/Vespa so that you too can experience the joys of cross country driving. If you’d rather not live in the teetering world of wanting something so badly you’re willing to walk out on your job, your dog, and your fridge full of Pabst then I suggest you either stop reading now or call your boss with a warning. Because I am pretty freaking convincing. Commence story:

When I was 20 and innocent (baahahah) I lived in New York City for a summer with my then boyfriend of 2 years, now husband of ouch my head hurts numbers suck. Once we tired of our “adorable” 600 square foot apartment and the “efficiency” of public transportation we loaded our dog and overpriced mattress into a U-Haul and hit the pavement back to LA.

NY to LA

Along the way we learned almost everything anyone would ever want to know about America from the window of our love-truck. And now I bestow these gifts upon you, because you’re my friend. With no further ado, a list.

Top  10: Most awesome things to see in America: Continue reading

How to rule on Presidents Day

18 Feb

5:00 am: Start by getting up early despite the fact that it’s a national holiday, for God’s sake. Get a shit ton done because you’re an over-achiever and generally awesome. Decide that coffee raises your self-esteem.

8:00 am: Let the kids watch 7 movies in a row so you can play around on Adobe Ideas all day get your work done. Then publicly brag about said work. Try something like, “Hey suckas, y’all noticed the dreamy new banner hanging over the top of this site? Tight, am I right?! Cyber high-five!”. Expect the accolades to roll right in.

10:00 am: Make gluten free Nutella cookies “for your friends” then eat the whole batch except 3. Let the kids have one each, and another to split after dinner. Sugar is for moms, hoodlums, step off!

11:30 am: Take a break from the computer to wave at the gardener while wearing reading glasses & a robe, eating cookies, and imagining that his leaf blower would be a great way to get the crumbs out of your bra. Continue reading

Top 10: (last minute) Valentine’s Day gifts

14 Feb

Ladies, we can be forgetful spontaneous too, am I right? Here are some jazzy ideas for those of you who need a gift that’s a game changer, and also the kind you can get your hands on within the next five minutes. Boyfriend on his way over? Husband in the next room with a blindfold on? It’s like I’m talking only to you right now. Here are 10 winners.

Valentine-heart

1) E-mail a naked photo. This one’s great and super versatile. Snap a boobie pic with your phone in the grocery store bathroom or from the webcam in your cubicle. Be sure to send it to his work e-mail with a cryptic subject line like, “Skunks in the barnyard”, or “Grab the defibrillator”. HR will never suspect a thing with a quirky cover-up like that.

2) Get it written in ink. Nothing says true love like your new boyfriend’s name across your chest. No time to dash out to the tattoo shop? Go with Sharpie and an IOU. He’ll appreciate the opportunity to accompany you this weekend and most likely be grateful for the chance to reciprocate with your initials on his ring finger. Most guys are sentimental like that. Continue reading