Archive | humor RSS feed for this section

Top 10: Nuggets of Spring Break wisdom

3 Apr

Helloooo party people! Pardon my week long absence, but I’ve been away on Spring Break doing nothing but research for you lucky hooligans. I know you’re all wild ones in desperate need of my guidance since the very things we love about this random pre-summer week off are the same things that can give us a wicked hangover the “flu” for days afterward. Heed my advice and you’ll surely strike that magical balance between rest and relaxation. Let’s begin!

1) Pooping. I don’t know about you, but when I’m away from home I just don’t. And when mama’s teeny bikini fails to disguise the bloat then it’s fast track to cranky town which is no fun for anyone. My advice? Bring pooping pills. Or take a lot of shots. I did both and neither worked, but it was sure fun trying!

2) The sun. Because the whole purpose of spring break is to make your friends jealous of your preemptive summer tan, one might be inclined to just forgo the sunscreen and soak up the skin damage. But unless you’re Cherokee like me then you’re bound to end up with heat rash and a wicked forehead burn, like my husband. If you’re any brand of white I recommend slathering on the SPF 60 and handing the coconut oil over to us experts. Your skin cancer will thank you.

3) Alcohol. Do I need to explain this one? Certainly the best part of spring break (aside from family time and sightseeing, duh) is the daytime drinking. And the evening drinking. And the late night drinking while gambling at the kitchen table. And now that I’m three sentences in I can’t remember why the hell I slipped this one into my “cautionary” list because, damn, yo, those Jack and Cokes did the trick! Hmmm. I’ll do some more field research and get back to y’all on this one. Continue reading

Top 10: Reasons the park sucks

22 Mar

By the looks of things it appears that there are a whole slew of moms who just adore the park. Unfortunately for my kids, I am not one of them. The park makes me nervous and I feel like everyone is either a kidnapper or a pervert (this is a theme for me…). If that weren’t enough of a deterrent, there are also these 10 super anti-awesome park facts that make me wanna’ barf. Join me in my misery, yo!

1) The sandbox litterbox. I’m no dummy, so unless there is a magical Parks and Rec crew that conjure a force-field over the sandbox each night, there’s cat shit in there. It goes something like this: 1) the cat poops in the sand. 2) the kid digs in the sand/poop cocktail. 3) the kid licks her hand or altogether bypasses this step and goes straight to eating the poop. In either case, this is a recipe for worms. I should know, I was a thumb sucker, and nobody likes a 6 year old with itchy butt, am I right?!

2) Tennis courts. Men in tiny shorts. Eeeew.

3) Nature. Don’t get me wrong, flowers are sooooo pretty and I love a good meadow as much as the next mommy. But I’m also crazy amounts of allergic to, um, the entire outdoors. Which is a problem at the park because I also can’t stop myself from rolling down a grassy knoll, especially if some ginger-haired ten year old dares me. If I have to choose between hives and self restraint then bring on the asthma. Continue reading

Dear Interweb…

14 Mar

…I’ve been struggling with you a lot today. If we’re both being honest, our relationship has always been love-hate.

dear-diary

Me, my serious face, and my secret diary full of angry notes. The crappy internet is about to get its feelings very hurt.

I love you for your Google, but hate it when you flaunt endless time-sucking distractions in the sidebar. You know I’m a sucker gluten free cookies and carousel rides. Making me drool over ads for them both at the same time is just mean.

I love you for Amazon, but hate it when you try to bill me for that shit. The internet isn’t real, everyone knows that! Wise up and recognize that if you’re ‘gonna call yourself “virtual” then you’d better ease up on all that real money stuff. My husband will be talking to you more about this later. Continue reading

Top 10: Reasons your Vitamix kicks ass

4 Mar
Vitamix2

Proof that I’m taking an ass-kicking.

1) It makes your other appliances look better. Just place your Vitamix in-between the deep fryer and doughnut maker and you’ve instantly improved the perceived health of your entire kitchen. And if one of those eclairs or an occasional french fry gets mixed in with your wheatgrass smoothie then you know it’s gonna’ be a good day. Continue reading

Top 10: Most awesome things to see in America

28 Feb

By the time you finish reading this you will be a) sending me flowers, and b) trolling the internet desperate to buy/rent/steal an RV/airstream/Vespa so that you too can experience the joys of cross country driving. If you’d rather not live in the teetering world of wanting something so badly you’re willing to walk out on your job, your dog, and your fridge full of Pabst then I suggest you either stop reading now or call your boss with a warning. Because I am pretty freaking convincing. Commence story:

When I was 20 and innocent (baahahah) I lived in New York City for a summer with my then boyfriend of 2 years, now husband of ouch my head hurts numbers suck. Once we tired of our “adorable” 600 square foot apartment and the “efficiency” of public transportation we loaded our dog and overpriced mattress into a U-Haul and hit the pavement back to LA.

NY to LA

Along the way we learned almost everything anyone would ever want to know about America from the window of our love-truck. And now I bestow these gifts upon you, because you’re my friend. With no further ado, a list.

Top  10: Most awesome things to see in America: Continue reading