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Top 10: Reasons the park sucks

22 Mar

By the looks of things it appears that there are a whole slew of moms who just adore the park. Unfortunately for my kids, I am not one of them. The park makes me nervous and I feel like everyone is either a kidnapper or a pervert (this is a theme for me…). If that weren’t enough of a deterrent, there are also these 10 super anti-awesome park facts that make me wanna’ barf. Join me in my misery, yo!

1) The sandbox litterbox. I’m no dummy, so unless there is a magical Parks and Rec crew that conjure a force-field over the sandbox each night, there’s cat shit in there. It goes something like this: 1) the cat poops in the sand. 2) the kid digs in the sand/poop cocktail. 3) the kid licks her hand or altogether bypasses this step and goes straight to eating the poop. In either case, this is a recipe for worms. I should know, I was a thumb sucker, and nobody likes a 6 year old with itchy butt, am I right?!

2) Tennis courts. Men in tiny shorts. Eeeew.

3) Nature. Don’t get me wrong, flowers are sooooo pretty and I love a good meadow as much as the next mommy. But I’m also crazy amounts of allergic to, um, the entire outdoors. Which is a problem at the park because I also can’t stop myself from rolling down a grassy knoll, especially if some ginger-haired ten year old dares me. If I have to choose between hives and self restraint then bring on the asthma. Continue reading

Top 10: Things I flippin’ love about Ireland

18 Mar

I’m not Irish but wish I were. I could use a free pass to drink beer for breakfast and wine in church. Also? Freckles are cute. Need more reasons to love Ireland? You’re welcome…

1) Green beer. I wouldn’t touch this shit with a 10 foot pole but everyone else looks so festive drinking it, and can count each pint glass as a full serving of vegetables. I may add some to my next batch of meatloaf.

2) Limericks. I love rhyming. Here’s one for ya’, from me. I wanted to put either the word vagina or goatee in it, but couldn’t figure that shit out so…

There once was a mom from LA
Who wrote crappy poems all day.
Before long lack of rain
Began shrinking her brain
So she drank to find good shit to say.

3) Freckles. You already know I think they’re cute, but for us creative types, freckles also provide hours of entertainment. Waiting for a pool table? Play connect the dots on your Irish buddy’s forehead. Bored of darts? Pull down your pants, Reilly McIrish, those ass moles make for an arduous drunk target. In a springtime slump? Throw your freckled friend on a lawn chair and watch him turn pink. I’m an endless fountain of creativity here, folks. Continue reading

Dear Interweb…

14 Mar

…I’ve been struggling with you a lot today. If we’re both being honest, our relationship has always been love-hate.

dear-diary

Me, my serious face, and my secret diary full of angry notes. The crappy internet is about to get its feelings very hurt.

I love you for your Google, but hate it when you flaunt endless time-sucking distractions in the sidebar. You know I’m a sucker gluten free cookies and carousel rides. Making me drool over ads for them both at the same time is just mean.

I love you for Amazon, but hate it when you try to bill me for that shit. The internet isn’t real, everyone knows that! Wise up and recognize that if you’re ‘gonna call yourself “virtual” then you’d better ease up on all that real money stuff. My husband will be talking to you more about this later. Continue reading

Top 10: Reasons your Vitamix kicks ass

4 Mar
Vitamix2

Proof that I’m taking an ass-kicking.

1) It makes your other appliances look better. Just place your Vitamix in-between the deep fryer and doughnut maker and you’ve instantly improved the perceived health of your entire kitchen. And if one of those eclairs or an occasional french fry gets mixed in with your wheatgrass smoothie then you know it’s gonna’ be a good day. Continue reading

Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say

22 Feb

There’s this voice that lives in my head. She tells me mean and horrible lies like chocolate is for losers and Johnny Depp isn’t really a pirate. Bitch.

She also tells me that I’m not as good at karaoke as I think I am, and that I may never write a creative word again. To which I’m like, whaaat? I’m a superstar at both of those things, yo! And she’s all, oh yeah you were yesterday, but what do you have to show for today, Kelly Clarkson? Then I get all aggro and threatening so she backs off, but by then my brain is all fuzzy and wondering if another witty thought will ever pass through my mind or microphone again.

The answer, folks, is hell freaking yes. A hundred times yes. This one’s for you, slutty devil on my shoulder. There is so much crazy up there where you live and out in the wild world that really, one doesn’t have to search too far to find gold.

And now, a list: “Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say”

1) People are stupid. Stupid is fodder for assholes writers like me. My husband is a first class judger people watcher. Dare I say, I learned from the best.

2) Farts are funny, and just like line item #1, someone is always doing it. The kids, the dogs. Never me. Duh. Continue reading