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How to rule on Presidents Day

18 Feb

5:00 am: Start by getting up early despite the fact that it’s a national holiday, for God’s sake. Get a shit ton done because you’re an over-achiever and generally awesome. Decide that coffee raises your self-esteem.

8:00 am: Let the kids watch 7 movies in a row so you can play around on Adobe Ideas all day get your work done. Then publicly brag about said work. Try something like, “Hey suckas, y’all noticed the dreamy new banner hanging over the top of this site? Tight, am I right?! Cyber high-five!”. Expect the accolades to roll right in.

10:00 am: Make gluten free Nutella cookies “for your friends” then eat the whole batch except 3. Let the kids have one each, and another to split after dinner. Sugar is for moms, hoodlums, step off!

11:30 am: Take a break from the computer to wave at the gardener while wearing reading glasses & a robe, eating cookies, and imagining that his leaf blower would be a great way to get the crumbs out of your bra. Continue reading

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Get yer shit together

17 Feb

I’d like to ask y’all how shit’s going at your house. For me, on this gorgeous So Cal Sunday, the shit factor is just outta’ control.

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I’m talking about chicken shit.

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Dog shit.

chicken-and-dog-poop08Dogs sniffing chicken shit.

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And chickens free ranging amongst dog shit.

Since we all think our own shit is crazy interesting I’m ready to gift you with a thorough play by play of my crap slappin’ Sunday. I do this only so that you may find solace in the fact that no matter the intensity of dirt you dealt with today, it probably wasn’t as rank as the real live animal shit scattered all over our patio. Did I say I wanted to be an urban farmer? F me, I did. Let’s begin. Continue reading

Top 10: (last minute) Valentine’s Day gifts

14 Feb

Ladies, we can be forgetful spontaneous too, am I right? Here are some jazzy ideas for those of you who need a gift that’s a game changer, and also the kind you can get your hands on within the next five minutes. Boyfriend on his way over? Husband in the next room with a blindfold on? It’s like I’m talking only to you right now. Here are 10 winners.

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1) E-mail a naked photo. This one’s great and super versatile. Snap a boobie pic with your phone in the grocery store bathroom or from the webcam in your cubicle. Be sure to send it to his work e-mail with a cryptic subject line like, “Skunks in the barnyard”, or “Grab the defibrillator”. HR will never suspect a thing with a quirky cover-up like that.

2) Get it written in ink. Nothing says true love like your new boyfriend’s name across your chest. No time to dash out to the tattoo shop? Go with Sharpie and an IOU. He’ll appreciate the opportunity to accompany you this weekend and most likely be grateful for the chance to reciprocate with your initials on his ring finger. Most guys are sentimental like that. Continue reading

This is a story about poop.

28 Jan

Um, yeah, so this is a story about poop. If you’re squeamish you should Skype me so I can laugh at you while you read this. Barf, sorry, that was even a little gross for me.

It all started after my last post on Friday night- I should have expected some blow-back after birthing all that rollicking hilarity into the world. You know, tit for tat, no good deed goes unpunished? Whatever.

As I was saying…it all started when we arrived at the cabin. Continue reading

Join me in my head, why don’t ya’

25 Jan

It’s Friday, and we’re headed up to a mountainous town for the weekend which means winding roads and drowsy kiddos. Time for me to think. Because I’m super deep and inspiring I thought I’d just let that ol’ stream of consciousness flow and, you know, change your life with all of my insight. Let’s hope I live up to the pressure I’ve just created for myself…and now, “Things I Thought About On The Way Up The Mountain: Uncensored”.

Fawnskin. As in the town. Say it fast 3 times and you’ll know why I smirk every time we make this drive. Apparently I have the brain of a 12 year old boy.

Squatting in turnouts. Time for a math lesson, kids! Let’s count all the places mommy has tinkled on the side of the road because she thought cold weather “necessitated” a cup of hot coffee and then “OMG, why do I always forget coffee goes right through me…no, we aren’t almost there, so pull over, NOW. No, I can’t hold it, and yes, I went before we left. Do you really want the kids to see me piss myself…no I’m guessing you don’t, so  PULL THE F OVER!”. This ends with me making yellow snow. Fun for the whole family, and all of the families driving by mommy with her pants down.

Video games. I ❤ Sega. Or whoever the hell it is that makes the DS. It’s educational and has a full day’s dose of Omega 3’s, right? Win win. Continue reading