Helloooo party people! Pardon my week long absence, but I’ve been away on Spring Break doing nothing but research for you lucky hooligans. I know you’re all wild ones in desperate need of my guidance since the very things we love about this random pre-summer week off are the same things that can give us
a wicked hangover the “flu” for days afterward. Heed my advice and you’ll surely strike that magical balance between rest and relaxation. Let’s begin!
1) Pooping. I don’t know about you, but when I’m away from home I just don’t. And when mama’s teeny bikini fails to disguise the bloat then it’s fast track to cranky town which is no fun for anyone. My advice? Bring pooping pills. Or take a lot of shots. I did both and neither worked, but it was sure fun trying!
2) The sun. Because the whole purpose of spring break is to make your friends jealous of your preemptive summer tan, one might be inclined to just forgo the sunscreen and soak up the skin damage. But unless you’re Cherokee like me then you’re bound to end up with heat rash and a wicked forehead burn, like my husband. If you’re any brand of white I recommend slathering on the SPF 60 and handing the coconut oil over to us experts. Your skin cancer will thank you.
3) Alcohol. Do I need to explain this one? Certainly the best part of spring break (aside from family time and sightseeing, duh) is the daytime drinking. And the evening drinking. And the late night drinking while gambling at the kitchen table. And now that I’m three sentences in I can’t remember why the hell I slipped this one into my “cautionary” list because, damn, yo, those Jack and Cokes did the trick! Hmmm. I’ll do some more field research and get back to y’all on this one. Continue reading
Um, yeah, so this is a story about poop. If you’re squeamish you should Skype me so I can laugh at you while you read this. Barf, sorry, that was even a little gross for me.
It all started after my last post on Friday night- I should have expected some blow-back after birthing all that rollicking hilarity into the world. You know, tit for tat, no good deed goes unpunished? Whatever.
As I was saying…it all started when we arrived at the cabin. Continue reading
It’s Friday, and we’re headed up to a mountainous town for the weekend which means winding roads and drowsy kiddos. Time for me to think. Because I’m super deep and inspiring I thought I’d just let that ol’ stream of consciousness flow and, you know, change your life with all of my insight. Let’s hope I live up to the pressure I’ve just created for myself…and now, “Things I Thought About On The Way Up The Mountain: Uncensored”.
Fawnskin. As in the town. Say it fast 3 times and you’ll know why I smirk every time we make this drive. Apparently I have the brain of a 12 year old boy.
Squatting in turnouts. Time for a math lesson, kids! Let’s count all the places mommy has tinkled on the side of the road because she thought cold weather “necessitated” a cup of hot coffee and then “OMG, why do I always forget coffee goes right through me…no, we aren’t almost there, so pull over, NOW. No, I can’t hold it, and yes, I went before we left. Do you really want the kids to see me piss myself…no I’m guessing you don’t, so PULL THE F OVER!”. This ends with me making yellow snow. Fun for the whole family, and all of the families driving by mommy with her pants down.
Video games. I ❤ Sega. Or whoever the hell it is that makes the DS. It’s educational and has a full day’s dose of Omega 3’s, right? Win win. Continue reading
Hey all, any of you noticed it’s 2013? Whenever the hell did that happen?! I’m wondering if you feel like I do at the beginning of the year. Maybe like you need to poop out a 5 pound turkey/pie/alcohol baby? Or like you have ten thousand things you would like to commit yourself to but those darned 2 weeks the kids were out of school really mucked up your to-do list so now you’ll be playing catch-up until Spring Break? Or like this new year has so much gorgeous promise to fulfill that you might just burst from excitement before anyone can say “resolution”? I thought so, me too.
Here’s how this worked out for me this year. Continue reading