Archive | poop and fart jokes RSS feed for this section

Join me in my head, why don’t ya’

25 Jan

It’s Friday, and we’re headed up to a mountainous town for the weekend which means winding roads and drowsy kiddos. Time for me to think. Because I’m super deep and inspiring I thought I’d just let that ol’ stream of consciousness flow and, you know, change your life with all of my insight. Let’s hope I live up to the pressure I’ve just created for myself…and now, “Things I Thought About On The Way Up The Mountain: Uncensored”.

Fawnskin. As in the town. Say it fast 3 times and you’ll know why I smirk every time we make this drive. Apparently I have the brain of a 12 year old boy.

Squatting in turnouts. Time for a math lesson, kids! Let’s count all the places mommy has tinkled on the side of the road because she thought cold weather “necessitated” a cup of hot coffee and then “OMG, why do I always forget coffee goes right through me…no, we aren’t almost there, so pull over, NOW. No, I can’t hold it, and yes, I went before we left. Do you really want the kids to see me piss myself…no I’m guessing you don’t, so  PULL THE F OVER!”. This ends with me making yellow snow. Fun for the whole family, and all of the families driving by mommy with her pants down.

Video games. I ❤ Sega. Or whoever the hell it is that makes the DS. It’s educational and has a full day’s dose of Omega 3’s, right? Win win. Continue reading

2012’s funniest

5 Jan

When something laughable comes out of my kids’ mouths I try to slow the car down long enough to snag my iPhone, email a reminder to myself, then write it on the family calendar. The hope is that I’ll someday hand it over to this here blog, but that rarely happens, and usually I’m left asking my husband, what was that thing one of the kids once said? So here ya’ go y’all, the year in funnies. The ones I remembered to write down.

Big brother’s thoughts on a friend’s indoor cat:

I feel kind of sad for Snowy because all she gets to do is play with tiny cat toys and poop in the litterbox. It reminds me of Rapunzel.

Little dude, easily impressed:

Mama, I like how shiny your toilet is!

Big bro, pointing to little bro’s junk in the tub:

To a giant, this is like a chocolate chip! Continue reading

The year in funnies

18 May

2012 is upon us! Oh right, it’s almost halfway over. And the only thing missing…funnies! Here are some of my faves from the year so far. Don’t they just say the darndest things?!

Big bro expressing his feelings:

When I cry my brain hurts. Like as much as a zombie chewing it.

Little dude, clapping to Justin Bieber in the car:

I feel like I’m growing up into a grown-up when I do that!

On the day that big bro had a field trip to the Planetarium little dude puts binoculars around his neck and says they are:

To help me see brother when he goes into space.

Wise words from a three year old (tissue time):

Mommy, remember even when I die I’m going to love you. For my whole entire life. For a whole entire week.

From the inter-web savvy five year old:

The 5 year old: Mommy, can I be a mommy for Halloween?

The Mom: Yes, and how would you do that?

The 5 year old:!

Little bro, on the hummingbird in the backyard:

He flew away to find other flowers to hum!

Little man, on being under the weather:

I think I know why I got a little something. I drank a little jacuzzi water and that has caffeine.

Big bro, party planning:

Kiddo: Can a baby Orca fit in our pool?

Mom: No.

Kiddo: OK, then my next birthday is going to have small whales. Like narwhals!

Stuff that happened today

28 Mar

1) I was the bad mom who sent her sick kid to school. Unknowingly. No, really. Yesterday his fever was pretty much gone, then by 11 this morning he was back to hacking all over his classmates. I picked him up, fed him lunch and cookies then and let him watch cartoons all day. That made me a good mom…in his eyes solely, I assure you.

2) I played “Out, damned spot” with little dude’s sweatshirt. Because he had a nosebleed all over it. For similar (self-induced) nosebleed stories, click here. Okay, truthfully I just got the sweatshirt wet and dropped it into the washing machine. That’s how much I hate laundry. Couldn’t even bring myself to pour some soap into the damned thing and push start. And now I’ll probably avoid it, then forget about it, and kiddo will be chastised as the boy with the bloody stain on his sleeve forever more.

3) I sat in pee. This happens about once a week and I never get used to it. Lift the lid boys, puhleeease.

4) I baked four loaves of banana bread for little brother’s school potluck tomorrow. The entire reason I buy bananas is to let them sit around too long, turn brown, and then make bread out of them. Don’t be too impressed, it’s mac and cheese leftovers for dinner.

5) I apparently inhaled my son’s germs, and suddenly have a headache, sore throat, and 100 degree fever to show for it. Days before spring break. Where I’m supposed to be lounging by a pool for a week. Shoot.

I’m going to lay in bed and watch a romantic comedy now.

(A side note to my husband: I noticed that you looked very handsome today. I also noticed that I desperately need a larger Kitchenaid mixer and another copy of You’ve Got Mail. Thanks.)

Hump day funnies

9 Nov

Little brother’s diagnosis of his sore foot:

Maybe it hurts because there’s spit in it. I think I swallowed it down and it went in my foot.

I have nothing to say here. Except that he’s 5, and I’m told this is just the beginning:

Sharks have 2 penises. That’s why I want to be a shark.

An understatement by little brother:

I am hilarious hungry.

Lamenting the destruction of his stuffed bear, big bro vents:

Mommy, why do the dogs only eat MY stuffed animals? It’s like the dogs are tornadoes and brother is in a house so he doesn’t get taken away!

A sad declaration by a three year old with a temperature of 104:

I need medicine because I have owies where my blood is.

After surprising big bro with a new art desk (get out the tissues…):

Papa, this is the second best surprise I have ever gotten. (Papa asks what’s the first, and he replies after deep thought…) The day I met mommy and papa!

Big brother’s retort when mommy cautions that lying is the worst thing in the world:

No, it’s not worse than saying I don’t love you!

And finally, a very different very five year old moment as big brother runs out of his bedroom screaming:

I can’t be in my room, it stinks too bad! Right now there is nothing stinkier than me!