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Friday is funny again

27 May

Little brother (age 2), to his pre-school teacher:

Ms. Sandra, can you come over for a play date tomorrow? You have to ask your mommy first.

Big brother (age 4), explaining his sensitivity to temperature:

I think I’m warm blooded, but I have a little lizard in myself.

As mommy brushes little bro’s hair in the morning before school he says in a worried voice,

No mommy, if you do that my hair is going to be gorgeous. Only my friends who are girls, like Clare, have gorgeous hair!

On a sick day home from school big bro states:

Maybe my tummy hurts because these are not educational shows.

Little brother, on having a sibling:

I want to give brother to someone else because he is not being nice to me.

Big brother, being worldly:

Poopsie is how they say poop in France.

Wise little brother at bedtime:

Mommy, I love you, and papa, and brother. And myself. You have to love yourself.

During a disagreement, little brother stomps out of the room while yelling:

I’m not your brother anymore!

Big bro turns to his Auntie and says with perfectly victorious comedic timing:

He can’t change that.

Bathroom humor: the funniest sort of funnies.

31 Mar

My four year old stuck a bead up his nose at school. The teacher sent it home in a ziploc…that’s not a quote, it’s just funny.

Little brother’s cautious approach to winter playtime:

If you throw snowballs at your butt they will get in your butt crack. So let’s not do that.

Big brother on his obsession with earwax:

I stuck my finger in my ear and it smells yucky and kind of weird. Papa, do you want to smell?

Big bro yet again…and to this I would answer, absolutely son, absolutely…

Wouldn’t it be cool if you had clothes that were pink like your skin and everybody thought you were naked?

Big bro, on life:

Do babies come out of their mommy’s mouths? (FYI, An honest and lengthy explanation from mommy followed this one. No stork included.)

Big bro’s response after little bro injured his left leg in the tub and refused to wash it:

It is going to smell like pigs. Pigs do nothing but make a stink.

Little brother, still in the tub (we spend a lot of time in the there apparently):

I don’t want to wash my stinky tush.

Big brother responds, using his mommy voice:

But then you will say eeeeew for your whole wide life. Now do you want that?

Friday funnies return

10 Dec

Little brother handing over his toy cell:

Do you want to play a game on my phone papa?

Big brother calling me out:

Son: Mommy, you farted.

Mom: How did you know?

Son: Because the stink is so high.

Mom: (cracking up) So high?

Son: Yeah, high like a skunk.

Little brother blinking repeatedly:

I can’t wiggle my ears, only papa. Not me. I can only wiggle my eyes, like this.

Big brother reflecting yet again upon smelly fingers:

If you put your finger in your ear and then smell it, it will smell like trash.

The brothers bonding over potty talk…at mommy’s expense yet again:

Big bro: Do you think it would be cool if you could poop with your wiener and pee with your tush?

Little bro: Yeah, and you could do it sitting down, like mommy.

Little bother handing a flashlight to the AAA guy changing the car battery:

This needs a new battery too.

Big brother riding the chair lift skiing with mommy:

Are we as tall as papa right now?

Little brother, as mommy ties a balloon string:

Are you good at everything mommy?

What I know about poop

23 Nov

A friend told me that a healthy poop should sink. And should be ‘S’ shaped. I’m not sure mine has ever borne either of these magnificent qualities.

This same friend also told me that she and her husband agree that a good poop is orgasmic. All I can really say is that I’m jealous of the poop in their house.

What I do know about the poop in MY house is that it sometimes ends up on the floor (courtesy either of a potty training two year old or our newest stray dog Frankie). It’s also been known to mysteriously appear under the guise of “phantom poop”, the phenomenon inspired by my four year old who believes neither in wiping, nor flushing, nor washing hands. I am trying to break him of all three of these unsavory habits, and in the meantime I suppose that we all might end up with worms.

As I said once before, my two year old is aware that we “don’t eat poop”, however this is a fact that is yet unlearned by our two dogs, who I have found chomping on each others dirty deeds as if they were Milkbones. This has been known to occur right under the dinner table, both the carpet pooping and the poop eating, neither of which is remotely OK.

I’m suddenly wondering what on this holy planet Earth could have inspired me to share any of this information. Oh right, I live with five dudes. Who think poop and farts are hilarious. Guess it’s beginning to rub off.

Friday funnies: courtesy of big brother (age four)

12 Nov

While falling asleep:

Papa, if I stick my hand in my crack I’ll get stinky finger, huh?

While driving to school:

Mommy, when it rains does the rain know that cactus only likes a little water?

Right before his fourth birthday:

An allergy is when you don’t like something…I’m allergic to not cool cars.

After papa tells him not to say “I want mommy” one more time:

I want someone whose name starts with ‘M’, and is an adult.

After a child at school states that her dad has a big fat belly:

Well my dad has a big fat penis.