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Top 10: Reasons the park sucks

22 Mar

By the looks of things it appears that there are a whole slew of moms who just adore the park. Unfortunately for my kids, I am not one of them. The park makes me nervous and I feel like everyone is either a kidnapper or a pervert (this is a theme for me…). If that weren’t enough of a deterrent, there are also these 10 super anti-awesome park facts that make me wanna’ barf. Join me in my misery, yo!

1) The sandbox litterbox. I’m no dummy, so unless there is a magical Parks and Rec crew that conjure a force-field over the sandbox each night, there’s cat shit in there. It goes something like this: 1) the cat poops in the sand. 2) the kid digs in the sand/poop cocktail. 3) the kid licks her hand or altogether bypasses this step and goes straight to eating the poop. In either case, this is a recipe for worms. I should know, I was a thumb sucker, and nobody likes a 6 year old with itchy butt, am I right?!

2) Tennis courts. Men in tiny shorts. Eeeew.

3) Nature. Don’t get me wrong, flowers are sooooo pretty and I love a good meadow as much as the next mommy. But I’m also crazy amounts of allergic to, um, the entire outdoors. Which is a problem at the park because I also can’t stop myself from rolling down a grassy knoll, especially if some ginger-haired ten year old dares me. If I have to choose between hives and self restraint then bring on the asthma. Continue reading

Dear Interweb…

14 Mar

…I’ve been struggling with you a lot today. If we’re both being honest, our relationship has always been love-hate.

dear-diary

Me, my serious face, and my secret diary full of angry notes. The crappy internet is about to get its feelings very hurt.

I love you for your Google, but hate it when you flaunt endless time-sucking distractions in the sidebar. You know I’m a sucker gluten free cookies and carousel rides. Making me drool over ads for them both at the same time is just mean.

I love you for Amazon, but hate it when you try to bill me for that shit. The internet isn’t real, everyone knows that! Wise up and recognize that if you’re ‘gonna call yourself “virtual” then you’d better ease up on all that real money stuff. My husband will be talking to you more about this later. Continue reading

Backfire of the week – revisited

21 Feb

So I’m feeling all nostalgic today…what better to do than dredge up some bad mommy moments from years past, huh? Here’s an old favorite that I wrote two Februaries ago when my little dudes were just 2 and 4. Time flies, and thank Holy Jesus for that, because I’d have an effing hernia if this happened again…enjoy!

So you know how, as a parent, the best of intentions don’t really mean a whole lot? And how just the slightest flick of a butterfly wing can turn a smiling two year old into a bipolar mess? If you don’t then I envy you. And your children should be cloned.

This morning Chinese Acrobats visited my sons’ school. I could launch into a whole tangent about that alone but I’ll stop myself and keep focus. Because wow…really, WOW. Anyway, as I am a “present and conscious mother” (see New Year’s Resolutions), I put off work for a couple of hours to attend the performance with my children.

Mistake number one. Since, as my husband pointed out, who needs to add any more excitement to a day already filled with spinning plates and kung fu? I’d planned on sitting with my kids on the auditorium floor, but decided last minute to take the boys into the bleachers so the three of us could sit together.

Mistake number two. Because not halfway into the show, little brother started kicking his feet against the aluminum stairs, which, truth be told, I didn’t even notice. I’m a mother of two small boys, who therefore wears powerful imaginary earmuffs at all times to keep from going completely nuts. Continue reading

This is a story about poop.

28 Jan

Um, yeah, so this is a story about poop. If you’re squeamish you should Skype me so I can laugh at you while you read this. Barf, sorry, that was even a little gross for me.

It all started after my last post on Friday night- I should have expected some blow-back after birthing all that rollicking hilarity into the world. You know, tit for tat, no good deed goes unpunished? Whatever.

As I was saying…it all started when we arrived at the cabin. Continue reading

Target chic, yo

21 Jan

I’m a slave to Project Runway so, naturally, I am aflutter with excitement over the handful of big name designers like Isaac Mizrahi (a judge on said Project Runway) who have begun slinging their fashion greatness in the direction of the masses’ well loved Target clothing racks. Okay, I’m not aflutter, but lucky is the mom who can pick up baby wipes, a 7 lb bag of M&Ms, and a fabulous wrap dress in one fell swoop.

What I didn’t know is that just a few miles up the road from my local Target is the holy grail of discount designer shopping. On the corner of Manhattan Beach Blvd & Sepulveda is the fancy-schmanciest Tar-jay I have ever set foot in. I saw a clutch for $80 and a coat for $100. But what really blew me away was the freebie I received as I was walking out the door.

happy-bag-eating-kid

Not the kid, the bag, people, just look at that bag (I know you are puzzled and distracted by the rabid child eating the lovely bag, but stick with me here).

It’s true, I’m easily impressed. But who wouldn’t be dazzled by Continue reading