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Top 10: Most awesome things to see in America

28 Feb

By the time you finish reading this you will be a) sending me flowers, and b) trolling the internet desperate to buy/rent/steal an RV/airstream/Vespa so that you too can experience the joys of cross country driving. If you’d rather not live in the teetering world of wanting something so badly you’re willing to walk out on your job, your dog, and your fridge full of Pabst then I suggest you either stop reading now or call your boss with a warning. Because I am pretty freaking convincing. Commence story:

When I was 20 and innocent (baahahah) I lived in New York City for a summer with my then boyfriend of 2 years, now husband of ouch my head hurts numbers suck. Once we tired of our “adorable” 600 square foot apartment and the “efficiency” of public transportation we loaded our dog and overpriced mattress into a U-Haul and hit the pavement back to LA.

NY to LA

Along the way we learned almost everything anyone would ever want to know about America from the window of our love-truck. And now I bestow these gifts upon you, because you’re my friend. With no further ado, a list.

Top  10: Most awesome things to see in America: Continue reading

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Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say

22 Feb

There’s this voice that lives in my head. She tells me mean and horrible lies like chocolate is for losers and Johnny Depp isn’t really a pirate. Bitch.

She also tells me that I’m not as good at karaoke as I think I am, and that I may never write a creative word again. To which I’m like, whaaat? I’m a superstar at both of those things, yo! And she’s all, oh yeah you were yesterday, but what do you have to show for today, Kelly Clarkson? Then I get all aggro and threatening so she backs off, but by then my brain is all fuzzy and wondering if another witty thought will ever pass through my mind or microphone again.

The answer, folks, is hell freaking yes. A hundred times yes. This one’s for you, slutty devil on my shoulder. There is so much crazy up there where you live and out in the wild world that really, one doesn’t have to search too far to find gold.

And now, a list: “Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say”

1) People are stupid. Stupid is fodder for assholes writers like me. My husband is a first class judger people watcher. Dare I say, I learned from the best.

2) Farts are funny, and just like line item #1, someone is always doing it. The kids, the dogs. Never me. Duh. Continue reading

How to rule on Presidents Day

18 Feb

5:00 am: Start by getting up early despite the fact that it’s a national holiday, for God’s sake. Get a shit ton done because you’re an over-achiever and generally awesome. Decide that coffee raises your self-esteem.

8:00 am: Let the kids watch 7 movies in a row so you can play around on Adobe Ideas all day get your work done. Then publicly brag about said work. Try something like, “Hey suckas, y’all noticed the dreamy new banner hanging over the top of this site? Tight, am I right?! Cyber high-five!”. Expect the accolades to roll right in.

10:00 am: Make gluten free Nutella cookies “for your friends” then eat the whole batch except 3. Let the kids have one each, and another to split after dinner. Sugar is for moms, hoodlums, step off!

11:30 am: Take a break from the computer to wave at the gardener while wearing reading glasses & a robe, eating cookies, and imagining that his leaf blower would be a great way to get the crumbs out of your bra. Continue reading

Top 10: (last minute) Valentine’s Day gifts

14 Feb

Ladies, we can be forgetful spontaneous too, am I right? Here are some jazzy ideas for those of you who need a gift that’s a game changer, and also the kind you can get your hands on within the next five minutes. Boyfriend on his way over? Husband in the next room with a blindfold on? It’s like I’m talking only to you right now. Here are 10 winners.

Valentine-heart

1) E-mail a naked photo. This one’s great and super versatile. Snap a boobie pic with your phone in the grocery store bathroom or from the webcam in your cubicle. Be sure to send it to his work e-mail with a cryptic subject line like, “Skunks in the barnyard”, or “Grab the defibrillator”. HR will never suspect a thing with a quirky cover-up like that.

2) Get it written in ink. Nothing says true love like your new boyfriend’s name across your chest. No time to dash out to the tattoo shop? Go with Sharpie and an IOU. He’ll appreciate the opportunity to accompany you this weekend and most likely be grateful for the chance to reciprocate with your initials on his ring finger. Most guys are sentimental like that. Continue reading

Top 10: Things to do at 5:30 am

5 Feb

Anyone ever notice I’m a list-maker? There are a lot of reasons I love lists, which I plan on sharing with you soon. But today, because I’m turning over a new leaf, I’ll share with you this: the first installment in my new and recurring “Top 10 Lists”.

Are you shocked by the title of this post? I am too. And so is my husband. And yes, that number refers to the time I set my alarm for this morning. Yes, it was on purpose. Yes, it was dark. And yes, I was productive or something in that quiet, coffee-filled hour before the kiddos woke up. Is productive a relative term? You decide, in today’s installment of:

Top 10 things to do at 5:30 am.

1) Clank around the french press/coffee mugs/refrigerator, wake up the dog, and then blindly ignore his pleas to be let outside. Your excuse will later be that it was dark and you didn’t see him there, but as you’re cleaning pee stains off of the chic and over-rated “unfinished” wood floor, some part of you will be making a mental note to be a better pet parent tomorrow.

2) Clank around the laptop/desk drawers/pencil holder, wake up the 4 year old, and then pretend like you don’t know he’s peeing all over the toilet seat in your bathroom. Also pretend like you don’t know he probably did it because he thinks it will be funny for you to sit in it later. Continue reading