Tag Archives: breakfast

Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say

22 Feb

There’s this voice that lives in my head. She tells me mean and horrible lies like chocolate is for losers and Johnny Depp isn’t really a pirate. Bitch.

She also tells me that I’m not as good at karaoke as I think I am, and that I may never write a creative word again. To which I’m like, whaaat? I’m a superstar at both of those things, yo! And she’s all, oh yeah you were yesterday, but what do you have to show for today, Kelly Clarkson? Then I get all aggro and threatening so she backs off, but by then my brain is all fuzzy and wondering if another witty thought will ever pass through my mind or microphone again.

The answer, folks, is hell freaking yes. A hundred times yes. This one’s for you, slutty devil on my shoulder. There is so much crazy up there where you live and out in the wild world that really, one doesn’t have to search too far to find gold.

And now, a list: “Top 10: Reasons I’ll never run out of shit to say”

1) People are stupid. Stupid is fodder for assholes writers like me. My husband is a first class judger people watcher. Dare I say, I learned from the best.

2) Farts are funny, and just like line item #1, someone is always doing it. The kids, the dogs. Never me. Duh. Continue reading

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